Everyone knows that I have this affinity for movies, and due to that, I tend to incorporate obscure and comedic movie references into a lot of my columns. So, as I was pondering this past season the Niners had, I figured, why not take it a step further?

To wrap up this dream (OK, maybe not dream, but at least REM sleep) season, I am going to hand out some Awards to certain players on this great Niners team. Now, a lot of you know that I am not your run of the mill type sportswriter, and I tend to try to stray away from old cliché’s, repetitive regurgitation of meaningless stats and high praise of unworthy athletic achievements, which tends to be the standard in this business. Having said that, I would like to unveil the winners of the 2001 “Golden Dome Awards”, a prestigious set of Awards that are named after my all-time favorite movie characters…

(In case any of you are wondering where I got the name Golden Dome, I must say that it is named after the color of the Niners’ helmets. Also, it ties in with the Golden Globe Awards where foreign press – like me – get to have their say.)

So bust out the cummerbunds, dust off the prom gowns, dim the lights, cue the band and pass me a double rye & coke… cause we’re goin’ HOLLYWOOD!

To get the ball rolling, I would like to present tonight’s first award, the “Double Down Trent Walker – ‘You’re So Money and You Don’t Even Know It” - Award, and it goes to…

(Ripping open the God-forsaken envelope…)

The 49ers Offensive Line…

These guys were awesome this year, playing WAY better than anyone thought they could. Gragg, Fiore, Newberry, Brown and Deese opened holes for Garrison Hearst to gain 1,000 yards through and protected Jeff Garcia admirably. My hat, or Golden Dome I guess, goes off to these guys, as they truly are “money”.

(By the way, if any of you out there have NOT seen Swingers, do yourself a favor and go rent it. It is truly a great movie, because of its indie, low budget kind of feel; believe me when you see it, you will agree. For those of you who have seen it, don’t you think that Double Down is one of the all-time best characters ever? This guy could talk his way out of anything, and he was the king with the ladies. He is a guy that I used to idolize and try to model myself after in my younger days)

The next award I would like to present is the “Jules Winnfield and Vincent Vega – ‘Two Bad-Assed Mutha-#$%&*@’ - Award”, and this one goes out to…

(Again with the envelope – don’t you just hate that in award shows?)

Ahmed Plummer and Lance Schulters…

Congrats to these two, as they had outstanding seasons. Plummer blossomed into a more than solid corner in only his 2nd year and Schulters established himself as one of the premier strong safeties in the NFL. That is impressive in itself, but if you consider the fact that these two played on a defense that was nothing short of horrible last year, it becomes clear that their turnaround was what sparked this entire defensive unit and inspired it to play better. Trust me when I say that these two guys will be in the ProBowl sooner rather than later.

My next award is entitled the “Nathan R. Jessop – ‘You kick some ass, but you would be better off if you would shut your mouth’ Award”, and this one goes to none other than…

(Envelope… again…)

Terrell Owens…

Hands down the best receiver in the game, but he is also hands down the biggest head case in the game. If Owens would just learn to control his mouth and concentrate that anger toward the field, he would be even more unstoppable – I know, it’s scary. But just as what happened to Jessop at the end of “A Few Good Men”, I fear that Owens is going to have a similar fate. No, not jail time and a court marshal, but maybe being rudely ejected from his position with this organization, as Jessop was.

“Are we clear?”

“Yes, sir.”

“ARE WE CLEAR?”

“Crystal… sir.”

(Man I love that movie)

The next Golden Dome is called the “Andy Dufrane – ‘Utter refusal to quit, unyielding persistence and quiet confidence’ – Award” and although this category only had one nominee, it is still an award worth mentioning. The winner is…

Garrison Hearst…

Nobody thought Garrison would even be able to play this year, let alone come back and rush for over 1,000yds and make the ProBowl. If you would have told me he was going to do that this time last year, I would have laughed in your face, no seriously, I would have. Garrison has overcome so many hurdles; he has qualified for the 2004 summer games. Garrison, in the immortal words of Joe Dirt, “Keep on keepin’ on man…”

(By the way, if Quincy Jones was to ever remake “Shawshank Redemption” the same way he remade “The Wizard of OZ” – tell me you remember “The Wiz” – I think he would have to cast Garrison Hearst as the Andy Dufrane character… it would just fit. Another aside… did you know that the guy who directed “the Wiz”, Sidney Lumet, is the same guy who directed “Serpico”… isn’t that a bizarre range of movies?)

Next up is a favorite award of mine, it is called the “Steve Lattimer – ‘Breakout Role’ – Award” and this one goes to…

Andre Carter…

Carter had some lofty expectations coming into this season as a rookie pass-rusher be he more than held his own and showed flashes of what he is capable of. Although Carter had some customary rookie adjustments to make, he did make an impact and he will only continue to improve. Trust me when I say that he will be a bookend rusher for this organization for years to come.

(When are you people going to quit doubting me?)

(Oh yeah, for those of you who don’t know who Steve Lattimer is, he is the roid-freak defensive tackle for the ESU Timberwolves in the movie “The Program”, he was the guy who was so psyched because he made the starting defense, he smashed his own head through a side window of an SUV… yep, he was a quality character.)

Lastly, we come to the most important award of the night, it is now time to present the “Lt. Col. Frank Slade ‘You kick ass and nobody should mess with you, even though people overlooked you and didn’t think you had it in you’ – Award”, and this year’s recipient is none-other than…

(Again with the envelope for crissakes!)

Jeff Garcia…

Garcia again made the pro-bowl this year and had another stellar season, in leading the Niners to a 12-4 record. Garcia, as everyone knows well, is a guy who a lot of people thought would never amount to anything in the NFL, and now with two 30TD pass seasons under his belt, all those doubters have more than been silenced.

HOO-AHH!

(By the way, if there is a better scene where a guy goes on a rant like Slade did in “Scent of a Woman”, I would like to see it. That is another one of the greatest goosebump moments of all time.)

Until Next Time…