Another week filled with unbelievable action, close games and big stats. You got to love this NFL season, with all its parity and upsets, I mean, if its not easy to predict and win money off of, at least its fun to watch (as if that is ANY consolation).

Here we go with another weekly Top Ten, and in this one, we find things like Stuart Scott, Ally McBeal, French kissing, an Ivan Drago quote, a bubble gum analogy and so much more! Read on everyone, and enjoy one of my favorite columns this season!

Here we go!

Number 10

Where in the heck did that offensive shootout come from in the Vikings / Titans game? These two teams combined for something like 950 totals yards, yeah, you just read that right… 950 YARDS! The amazing part is that Todd Bouman, the back up for the Vikes tossed 4TDs over 348yds. I don’t think anyone saw this coming; in fact, I even picked the Titans to win this game (I know, I will never learn) because of the fact that Culpepper was out.

Steve McNair threw for over 300 too, and Eddie George gained 96yds, which is the closest he has come to 100 all season (I told you all he would). This game just adds another chapter to this wacky season, where you can never really know when a team is going to lose, no matter the circumstances.

Is this a break out game for these two? No.

Are their collective offenses finally getting on track? Ummm… No.

Can we expect this type of output each week from these team’s offenses? Ahhhh… No.

Are these team’s defenses really THAT bad? Yes, yes they are.

Number 9

I was reading a column on ESPN.com the other day, where a woman sportswriter was fielding questions from male readers in response to her column on what it is like to work with men, thereby giving every female reader an extensive look into the male psyche.

(Trust me, I am getting to the point… stay with me here)

Anyway, in this column, she mentioned a co-worker of hers, who goes by the name of Stuart Scott (yeah, the “BOO YAH!” guy), actually has two TV’s which he watches on Monday nights, where one is tuned to MNF (as you would expect), and the other is tuned to… get this… Ally McBeal.

Ally Mc – freakin – Beal!!!

I was shocked, appalled, aghast, disgusted, revolted, dismayed, and disappointed by this, and yet, and the same time, I found this truly hilarious.

(Now to paraphrase my hero, Bill Simmons…)

“You know, there is comedy, there is high comedy, there is even transcendent comedy,” and then there is Stuart Scott watching a touching, quirky episode of Ally McBeal at the same time as MNF. Does anyone else find this side-splittingly funny?

I think Stuart should be commanded to change his famous phrase from “BOO YAH!” to “BOO HOO!” (Its times like these that I wonder, what is this world coming to?)

Number 8

Well, I have been praising the Cards for three straight weeks now, and it looks like the honeymoon is over. The Cards made their push, they stirred up interest, they made their fans and management realize that they still have potential, and they also showed that they are not ready to join the playoff tier of the NFL just yet.

(Notice I said yet.)

If the Cards were ready, they would have cast the Skins aside on Sunday, with the same vigor that they upset the Raiders last week. But, alas, this is the way things go in the NFL. A team will get your hopes up and make a mini-run, and just as you are about to start to really cheer for them, go buy a replica jersey and start talking trash, they break your heart. No, they rip your heart out and show it to you like that weird dude in that Indiana Jones movie (the one with the Chinese kid in it), Temple of Doom, I think.

I can relate Cards fans, I really can. All I can say to comfort you is, “C’est la vie” and “La voila, je le me sur la table.”

(If any of my readers speak or read French, they will know that the last phrase, although it sounds truly profound and amazingly articulate, actually only means “There, I have put it on the table”. Hey, c’mon, I didn’t pay much attention in grade 9 French class, in fact, that is the only thing I learned in that whole semester, except of course, how to kiss properly.)

(Cue the rim-shot please! Bah-dum-dum-ching! I’ll be here all week! Try the veal!)

Number 8A

A side note here: David Boston is awesome! Dude has 1300yds already and he is a dominating receiver in the same mold of Terrell Owens. And is he a physical specimen or what? Jeez, that cat has got some serious guns (that’s biceps, for you un-hip folk out there), in fact, if I were to flex mine beside his, it would probably look like a toothpick beside a redwood.

(Another rim-shot please?)

If I were a corner in the NFL, I would definitely not try to take this guy on over the middle, because, as Ivan Drago said in Rocky IV, “You vill loos…”

Number 7

How many teams have “escaped” with wins over Detroit this season? Now that Detroit is 0-12, can you really say that teams are escaping with wins? I don’t think so. I think you have to say that the Lions again managed to lose the game, and caused Matt Millen to make his now famous “What the? I can’t believe they lost it again! I can’t believe I let Willy talk me into this job!” face.

I have said this time and time again, and I will say it here too; Detroit is the best damn 0-12 team I have ever seen.

But I do have one question, when are the guys going to come together and put one of those “win one for the gipper” efforts out for crissakes? Poor Marty Morningwheg, I feel terrible for him (that’ll teach him for leaving S.F though) and I wonder if he hasn’t lost control of his guys now. It would be a tough job to try to motivate and 0-12 team, shoot, with all the prima donna’s around this league, I bet it would be hard to motivate a 12-0 team too.

C’mon Lions! I keep betting on you each week, because I keep saying to everyone “they HAVE to win ONE!” Not only are you costing me money and making me look foolish, but you keep taking up a space in my column because I cant go without mentioning your dazzling incompetence! Sheesh guys, if you wont “win one for the gipper”, then at least “win one for my WALLET!”

Number 6

When you were a kid, did you ever go to the store and buy a package of bubble gum (a brand like Hubba Bubba or Bubblicious), and take a piece out to eat it only to find that it is old, stale and has lost all its flavor?

Well friends, that is what has happened to Doug Flutie, and the mania I named after him following his 4-0 start; “Flutielicious”

Flutilicous is as stale as that old gum, its as dead as Devo’s music career, its as flat as a too slow skunk on the highway, and its as gone as a Barry Bonds homer.

(Ok, I think you get the point)

It is sad too, because it was so fun reading and writing about it. The little mullet man and his band of overachievers! Alas, all good things must come to an end, and although I hate to even type this, it looks like Father Time has finally caught up to Flutie, passed him on the outside, and now is running backwards ahead of him laughing and pointing.

It is too bad really, and we may get to see some of Drew Brees yet this season. Then again, I have just set the stage for Flutie to have one of those “screw you sportswriters” games, where he goes off for about 350yds. Well, we will see. The stage is set Flutie, and if you rise to the occasion, I will start and end each point of next week’s Top Ten with “Doug Flutie is great, and I don’t know jack about football!”

(Stay tuned)

Number 5

Did you read this week’s edition of “Whattya Think”? Well, if you did, you will see that in there, I fielded a question on whether or not I thought the Steelers were for real, to which I replied yes (and if you didn’t read the column, then shame on you). Again, I must reiterate that they are for real, since they won last week without Jerome Bettis (remember, I refuse to call him “the Bus”, I hate that lame nickname… dammit! I just did, didn’t I?)

(Hey, there’s an idea… an all sucky nickname team!)

Look out for Pittsburgh the rest of the way, and if they win in Baltimore next week, I will throw the gauntlet down and say that Pittsburgh will meet Oakland in the AFC final. Bank on it.

Number 4

Some things just make your week or day terrible, don’t they? It could be rain when you have the perfect 9:37 tee time, it could be 2 feet of snow the day after you broke your only shovel, it could be your boss throwing 613 tasks at you the second you walk into the office, or it could be that the Miami Dolphins won and the 49ers lost in the same week.

I have made mention that my Dad is a huge Dolphins fan, and how every week we partake in some good-natured trash talking about each others team.

“Jay Fiedler sucks.”

“The Niners couldn’t stop a high school offense.”

“How is Miami 8-3 right now? They are just lucky.”

“Lucky? Speaking of luck, you’ll be lucky if the 49ers even get a wildcard in their division.”

(Stuff like that)

We never get rude to each other during these times, but there is a genuine dislike for each other’s team. Which is healthy, I guess.

Well, this week my dear old Dad was in his glory when he watched the Niners go down in flames to the Rams, and the only reply I could come up with to his comments was, “Yeah? Well wait till Monday night, where the Colts are going to beat up on the Fish!”

Boy was I wrong. Dead wrong. There is wrong, and then there is what I was. Sheesh, I don’t even want to talk to my Dad about that MNF game, because I just know I am going to hear it, and hear a lot of it. My only rebuttal will be the fact that our two teams play next Sunday, and it is going to be awesome to see the Niners take down the Dolphins. Of course, my Dad begs to differ, and he thinks that because Dec 16th is his 29th wedding anniversary, he has something going for him. Well Dad, I not going to feel bad for beating the Dolphins, but I will feel bad for Mom, because you will be all grumpy when you two go out for supper Sunday night.

(Another good-natured shot at the old man…. I love it!)

Number 4A

Speaking of terrible… Will Kirk Triplett and his crappy officiating crew (they did the Sunday Night game, without incident actually) ever live down that coin toss debacle of two seasons ago? Well, not if writers like me keep bringing it up they wont.

(Just a side note)

Number 3

What is with Priest Holmes this season? I have seen a change of scenery help guys before, but this is ridiculous. Holmes was a sure handed 3rd down back for Baltimore last season, and he never got the rock because Jamal Lewis was rippin’ it up.

So Priest goes and signs with Kansas City, the “running back by committee” capital of the NFL, and what does he do? Well, he has now rushed for 1100 yards and solidified himself as KC feature back and a definite threat on offense.

Amazing. We haven’t seen a turnaround like that since… you know what? I don’t even have a joke here… I don’t think I have ever seen such a turnaround in one season for a guy labeled as a “journeyman”. Congrats Priest keep on truckin’.

Number 2

Jerry Rice earns this spot for accomplishing an amazing feat on Sunday. Jerry Rice surpassed 20,000yds receiving on Sunday, giving him a 6,000yd lead on the guy in second place, some scrub names James Lofton. That is an astounding stat, isn’t it? Lost in all the talk of Jerry leaving SF to come to Oakland and his feeling of rejuvenation, is the fact that every time he catches a touchdown pass he sets like 6 all time NFL records.

Wow… I am amazed just typing that…

Number 1

I said this to my Dad after watching the Niners / Rams game on Sunday, “What a time to lay an egg.” Now I have been known to chime in with some good statements on occasion, but this one hit the proverbial nail on its head.

The Niners, in the game where they were supposed to come out and show the Rams they were for real, didn’t. In the game where they were to show the world that they were no longer going to be bullied by those Rams, didn’t. In the game where they were supposed to step forward and show the world that they were ready to be the elite team in the NFC, didn’t.

They just didn’t. Bottom line. They didn’t do anything they wanted to do against this Rams team.

They didn’t run the ball well. They didn’t pass the ball well. They didn’t get off to a fast start. They didn’t create key turnovers. They didn’t step up on defense and stop the Rams when they needed to. They didn't back up any of that talk that went on all week.

(It was truly a game of didn’t-s… Wait, is that even a word? Sorry… I’m rambling again…)

They just didn’t, and it kills me to write this. But what kills me more is that with all the hype surrounding this game, the Niners didn’t show up. It’s like getting a date with the hottest girl in school and having your car break down on the way to pick her up (try getting her to believe that one). Well, the Niners will have to hope for another chance at the Rams in the playoffs, another chance to show up for that all important date, but this time, instead of having our car break down, let’s show the Rams and the world just how finely tuned this machine can be.

Until Next Time…