Zim’s Top Ten – The end result of not taking our meds on time…
 
You know, every week I come to this page and I usually say something to the effect of: “What a great weekend in the NFL”. It never fails… it’s as regular as a Sebastian Janikowski arrest.
 
Well, you know what? I am not going to say that this week. Granted, this past weekend did boast some entertaining games and had some interesting storylines, but it wasn’t all that great. Let’s be honest here, ok people? For it to be considered great, we would have to see some unruly upsets. We would have to see play like we have never seen in our lifetimes. We would have to see inspired play from unexpected sources. We would need controversy. We would need something to plant us on the couch (or in the stands) and keep us there.
 
Hold on a minute… this week DID meet all those criteria! Everything I outlined there occurred in some way, shape or form. So I guess I have nothing more to say here except… (Here it comes folks)
 
…What a great weekend in the NFL!
 
Anyway, enough stupidity on this Tuesday morning… let’s get on with this week’s Top Ten, brought to you by “The Oakland Raiders: Now officially the worst team in the Bay Area.”
 
Number 10
What in the name of Rodney Peete are the Carolina Panthers doing at 4-0? Seriously, this team does not belong with the elite teams in the NFL, does it? I thought that the whole “Killer D/Great Running Game/QB who doesn’t make mistakes” formula was out of style this year? Apparently not.
 
The Panthers are riding Stephen Davis thus far, and I think they will continue to do so. They will only go as far as he will take them, and if recent history repeats itself, Davis should start to struggle any time now. The Panthers O-lineman had better start working on fumble recovery drills.
 
Now, the Saints are a total shoe-in for my “Rich Jenson Disappointment of the Year Award” and it is only week 5! The Saints are underachieving at a record pace this season, and I honestly think that a coaching change is in the cards. This team has absolutely no identity on any side of the ball, which gives them no consistency and no “go-to” facet in close games (not that they have been in any). A team without a defined style of play is as hopeless as David Hasslehoff’s chances of bringing “Knight Rider” back to primetime TV. They need to bring in a coach who will give this team some purpose; some direction and an all around kick in the ass. They have too much talent to be 1-4.
 
Number 9
What happened to all that talk about the Patriots players hating their coach? If this were the case, do you think that they would be playing as hard and as tough as they have in the past two weeks, in spite of their numerous injured starters? I don’t think so. The Pats dealt a costly blow to the Titans on Sunday, defeating them 38-30 and again raising questions as to who the real Titans are.
 
For the Titans, again I have to point to their constant inability to run the ball. The Titans rushed the ball 27 times on Sunday and gained a whopping 70 yards. That is a dreadful average of 2.6 yards per rush! If it were not for McNair’s brilliance, the Titans would not have even come close to winning this game. They seriously need to re-evaluate either their personnel or their philosophy when it comes to the ground game, because gaining 2.6 yards per while your opponent musters 6 yards per carry is not going to cut it in that tough AFC South.
 
Number 8
Uh oh. What is happening to Tommy MaddoXFL people? Is he suddenly turning into the player that could not stay employed in the NFL for the past 10 years? NO! He has always been that player! In MaddoXFL’s last 4 games he has thrown 8INTs and only 2TDs! His Sunday night performance against the Cleveland “We just lost to the Bengals” Browns was so bad that Coach Cowher was forced to go to Charlie Batch for a change of pace.
 
Time for the Zim’s Top Ten “Overtly Obvious Point of the Week #1”:
That is not good.
 
Charlie Batch! Charlie Batch? That guy is so terrible; he would get cut from many CFL teams!
 
Things are not good in Steeltown these days folks, and I think they will get worse before they get better, as I have a feeling that teams have figured out how to play this Pittsburgh offense. Gone are the days of the ball control running game, and here are the days of the fast paced vertical passing game. In order to have success in that scheme, you need an accurate, tough passer who doesn’t throw picks. Right now, it doesn’t look like that is what the Steelers have. They look like they have the Tommy MaddoXFL of old, which isn’t exactly a good thing.
 
Yikes, time to fire up the Bus…
 
Number 7
Ok, let’s see here. On offense, I have LaDainian Tomlinson running the ball. I have Lorenzo Neal blocking for him. I have David Boston and Tim Dwight out running patterns and I have Drew Brees under centre. Sounds to me like I have some good talent at the skill positions on offense.
 
So who am I and why am I 0-4?
 
Well, you’re the San Diego Chargers and you have a terrible defense. The winless Chargers headed into Jacksonville to face the winless Jaguars who were trotting out a rookie QB for the second straight game. So what happened? Well, those winless, rookie-led Jaguars proceeded to hang 436yds on that Chargers defense who thankfully jettisoned the old washed up Junior Seau (more on him later) in the offseason. That pathetic Chargers D made Byron Leftwich look like Boomer Esiason on Sunday, allowing him to throw for 336yds and 2TDs, with no INTs! Wow…
 
Time for the Zim’s Top Ten “Overtly Obvious Point of the Week #2”:
The Chargers need to make some changes on defense.
 
(Thank you! Tune in next week, where we will make more blatantly obvious comments on bad football teams.)
 
Number 6
Whew, it’s a good thing that the Dolphins curbed Ricky Williams’ carries a little against the Giants on Sunday. I mean, now he is only on pace to carry the ball 460 times! If you are failing to grasp the sarcasm there, consider this:
 
Right now, Ricky Williams is on pace to amass 460 carries this year. Jay Fiedler, the Dolphins starting QB is on pace to ATTEMPT only 420 passes this year. I am not sure that in the history of the NFL there has ever been a case where a team had their running back totaling more carries than their QB had pass attempts in a 16 game span. If ever there was such a team, I would like to know who it was.
 
Anyway, the Dolphins are now 3-1 and seem to be back to their winning ways… Hold one here. Winning ways? What winning ways? Forget I said that… The Dolphins are however; back to playing like the contenders they were pegged as coming into the season. The scary part about all this is that Junior Seau is now starting to find his groove with this defense. Seau led the Dolphins in tackles on Sunday, and if he starts running around and owning the field along side Zach Morris… oops, I mean Zach Thomas (I always do that!) the opposing squads are going to have a tough time doing much of anything against that defense.
 
One more point here, Jay Fiedler still sucks. I am going to say this again. The Miami Dolphins will never win the SuperBowl with Jay Fiedler as their starting QB.
 
Number 5 – Dive Plays
- What in the world is going on in Oakland? That team is unraveling so fast that I can barely keep track of who is griping at who these days. How long until Al Davis sues someone? Bill Callahan, you had better have your lawyer on speed-dial the next couple weeks, right next to your agent’s phone number.
- Speaking of lawyers, it seems that Lawyer Milloy’s impact on that Buffalo defense has cooled a bit, don’t you think? It’s a good thing for Travis Henry, or else Buffalo might have lost that game to the Bengals.
- Thank goodness the 49ers beat the Lions on Sunday, because if they had lost to Mooch in his return to the ‘Stick, all hell would have broken loose. The Niners biggest test of the year comes next week against a tough Seahawks team.
 
Number 4
Does anyone realize that the Vikings have put up their two highest point totals this season with Gus Ferrotte at the helm? How scary is that? The Vikings are overwhelming teams right now and they still are not healthy at key positions. The are employing the hated “running back by committee” scheme, their starting QB is out with broken bones in his back and their star wideout is banged up (although you could hardly tell). Randy Moss is killing defensive backs this year and seems to be hauling in long TDs all over the place.
 
Wow, this team is really coming together, and now they are heading into their bye week to try to get some people healthy. Look out.
 
I have one question though. Why is it that whenever Randy Moss is playing well, you know, catching long bombs, looking unstoppable and dominating defenses; why is it that whenever this is going on, people automatically start talking about how “mature” he has become?  I don’t get it. Why just last season, this same Randy Moss was on the cover of SI featuring a story on how much he has grown up. Well, we all know what happened last year (the whole hood ornament story). I am interested to see how “mature” Randy remains if the Vikings start losing games again.
 
Number 3
The second best game of the week turned out to be one for the ages in KC. The Chiefs won the game late to stay undefeated and again it was thanks to the heroics of Dante Hall. We all know what Hall did. But do we all know or realize how utterly astonishing that is? Seriously, I don’t recall the last time a guy returned four kicks for TDs in ONE SEASON, never mind FOUR CONSECUTIVE GAMES! I am blown away by this, I truly am. I love having the opportunity to see such amazing play, and I am thrilled to have witnessed this stretch by Hall. I mean, this ranks right up there with the all time greatest achievements in NFL history. Seriously, it does.
 
Lost in all this is the fact that the Denver Broncos played a very solid football game and damn near had the thing won, if it weren’t for Dante Hall. Plummer is playing well, making Shanahan look like a genius and Clinton Portis is looking unstoppable. The Broncos played a great game except for one play on special teams that cost them the game. That has to sting a little, and it should inspire the Broncos to play better the next time these two teams face off. Which, by the way, should be another great football game.
 
Number 2
Well, I should have known better than to bet against Brett Fav-ruh when he is playing in Lambeau. Seriously, what was I thinking? The Seahawks are good this year, but to beat Fav-ruh in his house? Come on. Even Holmgren must have known that in the back of his mind. Now Fav-ruh did play well in this game, but it was not only him who put the game out of reach, oh no, it was Ahman Green. Green had a great day running the ball, helping to keep that potent Seahawk offense off the field. Ahman rumbled in for two scores in this game and is on pace to score a career high 22 touches this year, as well as gain about 1800yds. If Green can stay healthy, good things will happen in Green Bay. But if he goes down, the Packers are done.
 
I am surprised that the Seahawks didn’t make this one closer (not just because I bet on them), because I figured that with them coming off a bye week they would be raring to stay undefeated against the Packers. Instead, they chose the other route to take when coming off a bye; they came out flat. It’s funny that teams still manage to come out so flat when coming off a bye, when you would presume that the week off would allow them to regain their focus and get really prepared for the next game. Odd.
 
Number 1
“The Greatest Game I Have Ever Seen…”
 
Please tell me that you people watched that MNF tilt last night? I said in last week’s column that the Bucs/Colts match up would be the game of the week, and I don’t think I could have been more on the money. This game was one of the all-time greatest games in the history of the NFL. Wow. When the Bucs’ Ronde Barber returned a Manning INT for a score, making it 35-14 with little more than 4 minutes remaining, I figured that the game was all but over. In fact, I even considered flipping to the sports highlights channel to catch some scenes from the Red Sox / A’s game.
 
Boy, am I glad I didn’t.
 
The Colts’ return the ensuing kickoff all the way to the Bucs 10 and then punch it in 3 plays later. 35-21, 14 point game. I sat up a little straighter and said to myself, “hmm, I wonder if they kick it deep or try an onside?” Then “Idiot Kicker” Vanderjagt kicks one of the greatest onside kicks I have ever witnessed and the Colts recover. Manning to Harrison. Manning to Harrison. Next thing you know, touchdown Colts. 35-28. Now I am sitting on the edge of my chair. I hollered to the wife, who was in another room watching a “Joe Schmoe” rerun (great show, by the way), “Holy crap, we got a game here!” To which she replied, “Who’s playing?”
 
Women…
 
Anyway, the Colts kick it deep this time and force the Bucs to go three and out. Manning has to go 85 yards in 1:41 with no timeouts. They try a screen pass, which is knocked away by a tired, tired Bucs defense. A couple other passes. First down. Then somehow Marvin Harrison gets behind a prevent defense and hauls in a Manning bomb at the Bucs 6 yard line. Tick, tick, tick. The Colts then proceed to absolutely shove a shell-shocked Bucs defensive unit back into their own endzone for the score. 34-35. On comes Idiot Kicker for the PAT. Low snap, but he gets it off to tie to up. Bucs get to within a 62yd chip-shot field goal (sarcasm) for Grammatica v1.0 but the Colts block it. Over-time.
 
By now I am leaning back in my chair with my palm on my forehead, astounded by what I have just witnessed. I mean, comebacks are a lot of fun and everything, but to rally from 21 down against arguably (I have always wanted to say that) one of the best defenses of my lifetime, is a feat for the ages. Ok, so the Bucs win the toss, and I figure that even if Tampa wins this one on this drive, I still have to give the Colts credit for such a rally. Instead the Bucs muster a short drive (mainly because their starters were all out of the game with injury or cramps or something) and then lineup to punt. Controversy #1. Dominic Rhodes rolls near the punter and then Tupa proceeds to fall over him. Penalty. First down Bucs. Bad call if you ask me. Another drive snuffed out by the inspired Colts defense and the Bucs again have to punt. The Colts get it back at their 12 and on comes Manning. He converts three crucial third down plays all of over 5 yards to move the Colts into Idiot Kicker range. Al Michaels proceeds to put the kiss of death on him saying that “he is perfect so far this year” while Madden (clearly up past his bedtime) incoherently mumbles something about disliking the overtime format, that games should end in a tie after four quarters and he is hungry for a “Tur-Duck-En”.
 
Anyway, Vanderjagt yanks the 40-yard field goal to the right. Controversy #2. Flag on the play. “Unsportsmanlike Conduct – Leaping” is called on Simeon Rice. The Bucs bench loses it. I have never heard of that rule before, but Al Michaels astutely describes it, right on cue. You cannot start from more than 1 yard off the ball, then run and leap up in the air and land on anyone when you come down. Obscure rule, but it was the correct call. So then they march the Colts up 15 more yards and Idiot Kicker lines up to win it (again). He shanks the kick, it glances off a hand and then proceeds to bounce off the upright and go through for the win!
 
Whew… what a game. I am tired just typing this. If my last few paragraphs seem frantic, well, that’s because that game made me that way. It was, by far, “The Greatest Football Game I Have Ever Seen…”
 
Until Next Time…
 
Zim can be reached at superzim@49ersparadise.cjb.net. But please wait until he comes down from his MNF-induced state of lunacy before you contact him.