Ok guys, I know a few have to watch football with your wives (and/or respective others) from time to time; it’s a fact of married/committed life. You are inundated with questions/comments like, “Why did he just throw it to the other team like that?” or “I like that blue team, their colors are pretty…” or the classic “Do you think I am as pretty as those cheerleaders?” It can be annoying, no, check that, it can be excruciatingly painful, but we all endure it because we love them and if they are willing to watch football with us, we are willing to have them. Right?

(I sooo hope my wife reads this…)

Right? Fellas, am I right?

Is this thing on? (Hey, did I just hear a cricket chirping?)

Ok, I was only kidding there. Actually, I wrote that to throw the football uninformed off the trail, because they probably won’t read past that paragraph anyway.

The honest truth is that the others in our lives simply want to be around us, even though we haven’t showered all day, having been sipping beers and probably have pizza sauce in the corner of our mouths. They just want to be a part of something that we take so seriously, even if it does make the experience a little, umm… more interesting for us.

(Diplomacy at its finest people…)

Anyway, the point of this story is that my wife was watching the Sunday Night game with me and, while she is a football fan, she doesn’t know a whole lot about the game. For example, she cannot get her head around why, and I quote, “the QB would just run up to the center and spike the ball like that, instead of going for a touchdown thingy…” While watching this game, my wife dropped a comment that stunned me in its accuracy and comedic brilliance, prodding me to include this long bit in my weekly column and entitle it as follows:

Unintentionally Funny Wife Football Comment of the Week – “Is it pretty much a given that all kickers have absolutely no chin?”

I laughed aloud and congratulated her on the great comment… I thought you all would enjoy it too…

(If any of you have one that can top that, email me at superzim@49ersparadise.cjb.net)

Anyway, enough about all that… ONTO THE TOP TEN!

Number 10 – Pregame Thoughts…

These are observations that I scribbled down while watching the three NFL pregame shows on Sunday morning:

- ESPN’s Sunday NFL Countdown is completely out of hand. There are too many people cutting each other off all the time. It seems chaotic.

- Rush Limbaugh is an idiot. I can’t stand him on the aforementioned show. Listen, Rush, just because you are a longtime Steelers fan, it doesn’t make you a football expert. Shut up and go back to radio.

- Fox’s NFL Sunday is completely stale. The only good things about it are Howie Long’s pinpoint analysis and Jillian Barbarie’s belly button.

- CBS’s NFL Today is a poor man’s NFL Countdown with its ex-players for analysts.

- Jim Nantz looks completely awkward standing with Deion, Marino and Boomer Esiason in their “Chalk Talk” segment. Jimmy, we love ya, but stick to commentating golf.

These are the thoughts I jotted down about the upcoming games:

- Teams like Miami and St. Louis are getting harshed on the pregame shows; I think they are both set up for huge wins this week.

- Why is everyone so high on Philly? They stink. I think they are going to lose this week vs. the Patriots.

- No David Boston for the Chargers? Bad news for them vs. the Broncos.

- Too much love for Houston on those same pregame shows, I think they are going to get blown up this week.

- Brett Fav-ruh is going to play well.

- Why no stories on the 49ers on the pregame shows?

Now, I am known for my NFL knowledge, but I was shocked to see how alarmingly accurate my notes turned out to be.

Number 9

All of you read my NFC preview column right? Right?

Anyway, in it, I said, and I quote, “I hate to say this, but I think that Philly fans are in for a letdown this season. Don’t ask why, I just have a hunch.”

Philly looked downright atrocious in that loss to the Pats on Sunday, I mean, they were effectively out of that game after kickoff. It was a terrible performance all around for the Eagles that seemed… well, Bengal or Cardinal-like. McNabb was terrible en route to a ##.# rating, and the rest of the Eagles weren’t much better. The wonderful Philly fans were booing mercilessly, and I must say that they were justified. I mean, the Eagles have just stunk it up in their new stadium, and haven’t given their fans a single reason to cheer.

The Pats on the other hand, bounced back nicely from their opening day debacle. They dominated the Eagles in every facet and physically beat them into submission. I think the Pats needed this win, because their team absolutely reeks of dissention right now, so in order to keep things from getting really bad out there, they had better keep winning. I had no idea that the players were so angry with their coach and organization, but in the pregame interviews it was glaringly obvious.

They say that winning is a cure for all that ails you, well, in the Pats and Bellichek’s case, I think you can say that it would also prevent a full out mutiny.

Number 8

So, the Packers stormed back to normalcy this week, with a convincing win. So everything is fine now, right? We can all rest easy now that the Packers are back to their winning ways, right? We can probably hand them the NFC North crown now, right?

Wrong…

The Packers did win on Sunday, but remember, they beat the toothless (yet feisty) Detroit Lions. The big plus for the Packers is that they ran the ball really, really well this week. Ahman Green rumbled for 160yds on 23 carries, and when they get that, it makes Brett Fav-ruh very hard to beat in Lambeau.

Still, things are not as they should be with the Pack, and I think they are in for a tough season. I dunno, I just have a feeling here…

Number 7

Houston Texans, welcome back to reality. You did have the feel good win of the week when you beat the Dolphins, but come on now; you didn’t really expect to start 2-0 now did you? The Texans did put up a good fight for a while against a talented Saints team, but in the 2nd half, N’awlins proved to be too much. 31-10 was the final score, and while it looks impressive, I don’t think it really was. The Saints numbers were decent, with Brooks throwing for 189yds and 2TDs and Deuce running for 96yds on 20 carries, but they weren’t out of this world. The real difference here is that the Saints did not turn the ball over, where the Texans did.

Those Texans are feisty though and they were in this game at halftime, and I think they will compete in a lot of games this year. But probably not next week, as they are up against a red hot Chiefs team.

Number 6

Buffalo is really impressive at this point aren’t they? An impressive 38-17 win, on the road over the Jaguars brings them to 2-0 and atop their division. Their offense hasn’t skipped a beat even with the loss of Peerless Price, and their new defense is coming together nicely. The Bills defense is a swarming unit that always seems to have 3 or 4 guys making a tackle, and they are making this offense even more potent.

The real challenge will come next week when the Bills head into Miami to face Ricky Williams. I guarantee you that Ricky will get a lot of carries (he got 34 today), so Sam Adams and Takeo Spikes will have to respect the run a little more, as opposed to teeing off on opposing QBs as they have been doing. That will be a great game next Sunday night.

Number 5 – Quick Hits

- Ok, the Indianapolis Colts are officially an anomaly to us here at “Zim’s Top Ten”. I stated last week that I didn’t know what to expect from them week to week, and their very convincing 33-7 victory over the Titans really hammered that point home.

- Bungles no more? I don’t know, but they did put up one helluva fight this week against the overrated Raiders. The Bengals were close to winning this one, and honestly they should have, but the climb out of the NFL basement is not an easy one, and Marvin Lewis is learning that.

- Seattle blew up the Cardinals 38 to zip, and I didn’t witness the game, all I know is the stats did not indicate such a trouncing. Weird.

- The Chicago/Minny game was an entertaining contest. The Bears put up a fight, but the Vikings were just too much in the end. The Vikings look good this year, especially on the defensive side of the ball. Yes, it still pains me to write that…

- If Paul Maguire says, “Boy, and I’ll tell you what…” one more time on Sunday Night Football, I just might lose my mind.

- That was quite the game on MNF last night, wasn’t it? Those Cowboys looked pretty good, but with as bad as the Giants were playing for the first 3 quarters, any team would have looked good. The Giants had this thing in the bag until their kicker booted the ball out of bounds with 11 seconds remaining in the game, giving Dallas the ball at the 40. Kudos to Dallas for tying it late and winning in overtime; that was a great effort. Yet another example of the Giants underachieving.

Number 4

Wow. This upset by the Panthers really rivals the Texans week one upset of the Dolphins. The Bucs were 9 ½ point favorites in this game, so everyone and their dog had them picked to win, and win big. I mean, the Bucs dominated the Eagles in week one and even managed to score points, so this one was a gimme… right?

Wow, we couldn’t have been more wrong.

The Panthers put up a valiant fight in this game, and one would think that they rode their tough defense to a win, right?

Well, not exactly. The Panthers defense did play well, and they held the Bucs to only 3 points until late in the 4th quarter. But it was their special teams, specifically their field goal return team (can you even call it that?), who won them the game. The Panthers blocked three kicks against the Bucs, and none more important than the PAT attempt that would have given the Bucs the win. Wow. Normally, those PATs are automatic, and to block one to send the game into overtime is unheard of. The Panthers proceeded to win it in overtime, and suddenly are 2-0 and atop their division. I never thought I would type that.

A side bar here, Brad Johnson threw the ball 61 times in this game. 61 times! I know this was an overtime affair, but Colonel Sanders his wing must be sore today!

Number 3

It is well documented that running backs who lose a season to a severe knee injury usually take a full season to get back to their previous form, if they can return to it at all. Jamal Lewis is a prime example of this. Terrel Davis is not.

Lewis had a historic day against the Browns, rushing for a Tecmo Bowl-like 295yds in one game. Seriously, who the hell runs for 300yds in one friggin game? In the name of all things holy, how do you, as a defense, a Cleveland Browns defense no less, allow a guy to run all over you like that? That is amazing. Add in the fact that he had predicted it to the Browns WR Andre Davis earlier this week and it makes his performance the stuff of legend.

I really have nothing to say… I am absolutely astounded by that number.

I will, however, say this. How did that Browns defense, go from holding the offensively powerful Colts to a meager 9pts, to allowing the offensively inept Ravens to roll up 33pts on them? They are a team who doesn’t know what to expect from itself anymore. As for Kelly Holcomb, this is second straight unimpressive performance, so I wonder if we are going to hear Tim Couch’s name this week.

Number 2

I said earlier that I thought the Rams were set up for a huge win because of all the negative media attention they were getting in the pregame shows. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am a die-hard Niners fan, so realizing this made me worry a little.

This game was a great one to say the least. Both teams had their trouble and had some missed opportunities, but the game still came down to the wire and gave us a fantastic finish. The Niners managed to pull even with a spectacular 4th down TD pass from Garcia to Owens with like 15 seconds left. Then, in a bizarre turn of events, the Niners end up recovering a fumble on the kickoff, that inadvertently became a short kick when Chandler’s squib kick hit an up man in the arm.

After a couple incomplete passes, the stage was set for Cedric Wilson to step forward and establish himself as “the Stupidest Player in the History of Zim’s Top Ten”. I cannot $#%@-ing believe that this moron didn’t know to get the hell down and give his team a chance to kick a game winning field goal. No, instead he chose to run all the way across the field trying, in vain, to make something happen. Apparently we fans give these professional athletes entirely too much intellectual credit with regard to these things, because every single person in the national television audience knew that the Niners had one more timeout, and they needed to get to about the 30 to give their kicker a chance at the game winner.

Cedric Wilson should publicly apologize to the city of San Francisco and all of the Niners fans throughout the world, even though it wouldn’t make me feel any better, or even remotely make me think about forgiving that immeasurable act of idiocy. Wilson said in the post game interview that he was “thinking end zone”… I beg to differ; I doubt he was thinking at all.

But I’m not bitter or anything… (sarcasm alert!)

Number 1

I said in my AFC preview that the Chiefs wouldn’t be a factor in the AFC West this season. And it has taken me exactly 2 games to become a believer in that offense and, more importantly, that defense.

I had picked the Steelers to win this game, and I had said that it would be one of the most entertaining games of the week, and it did not disappoint. When Chad Scott returned a Trent Green INT for a TD early in the 1st quarter I thought that the Steelers had set the tone and were going to blow the Chiefs up.

I was watching this game at the same time as I was watching the 49ers/Rams game (picture in picture is a great, great invention) and I was busily making notes during that time. After the Scott TD the Steelers then managed to march it down near the Chiefs goal line, I jotted this note down:

“10:11 left in 1st quarter, this 3rd and goal is key for the Chiefs.”

The Chiefs made a great stand at their own goal line and forced the Steelers to kick a field goal. So, instead of being down 14 they were only down 10. Then, on the ensuing kickoff, the game turned 180 degrees when Dante Hall returned it 100yds for a score. After that, the Chiefs never looked back and rolled up 41pts on the Steelers.

While it took only two games for me to become a believer in this Chiefs team, it took the same amount of games for Priest Holmes to silence every single one of his critics (including this one). The Chiefs look like the toast of the AFC West, and I look forward to seeing what they can do next week.

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Well, that’s all for this week… thanks for tuning in…

Until Next Time…

Zim can be reached at superzim@49ersparadise.cjb.net. Tune in next week, to see if Zim will finally be able to include a picture of his Top Ten’s official mascot, Britney Spears.