Welcome to Zim’s Top Ten, where we are thoroughly enjoying the whole “belly-shirt” era…

Attention San Francisco 49ers Football Club:

I’m sorry.  It’s my fault.  Send Terrell Owens over to my house and let him call me out for that pathetic, bland performance against the much-maligned Minnesota Vikings on Sunday.  I am the one to blame here.  It is not Jeff Garcia’s fault, nor is it the fault of the suddenly under-achieving coaching staff.  Don’t blame the defense, especially the under-sized defensive backfield.  Do not look to the veterans for answers after this gutless, uninspired show of ineptitude.  Do not question the management’s decisions for this slide to 1-3.

Why you ask?  Why are the 49ers not responsible for their own actions?

Well, because I tempted the football Gods, and they exacted their mighty wrath on me for doing so.  I broke Rule #1 in sports betting that reads –ahem- and I quote:

“Never bet on a game involving your favorite team.”

Now, there are clauses and special circumstances that go along with this rule, and they are too numerous for me to list here, but I think you get the over all gist of it.  I outlined the dangers of breaking this rule in a column I wrote about a year or so ago, and again, the list is too long to get into right now.  But the bottom line is that if you blatantly break this rule and recklessly put money on (or even worse, against) your favorite team then you are opened up to a bi-polar episode of emotions that can permanently harm your psyche.  Trust me, it is not worth it.

Looking back, I should have heeded my own sagely advice.  But, instead, I threw caution to the wind and convinced myself that the 49ers would bounce back from that abysmal loss the Browns and beat up on a Vikings team that was without Daunte Culpepper.  Boy, was I wrong.

However, this is the last we will talk about the 49ers in this column, as I am going to take the anti-Terrell Owens stance here.  Instead of going off on a colorful tirade, I am going to remain calm and keep my mouth shut, because if I were to get going on how unspeakably dreadful that dull, halfhearted, roll-over and die performance was… well… it just wouldn’t be pretty.

(But again… I’m not bitter or anything…) 

Anyway, let’s get on with the Top Ten!

Number 10

Well, the Rams seem to be back on track, thanks to some steady QB play from one Marc Bulger.  However, getting to play the Cardinals at home usually does wonders for your team confidence.  Is Bulger the answer for this team at QB?  Without a doubt.  He has played smart and consistent and has given the Rams a win, or an opportunity to win in all of the games he has played in.

Now it seems as though Warner’s wife is asking for a trade for Kurt, so that he can play elsewhere, and I’ll tell you what, that would be the absolute best thing for Warner.  Send him to a team that has a line that can protect him, and he will play ten times better than he has. 

Oh yeah, here at Zim’s Top Ten we have called Kurt Warner and respectfully asked that he remove his manhood from his wife’s purse.  You’re a football player for crissakes!

Number 9

In my NFC Preview column, I was more than a little sarcastic when it came to singing the praises of Bill Parcells.  I have never been a big believer in him, and I never thought that his coaching would get a really bad Cowboys team even back to respectability.  Well, I gladly stand corrected.  Parcells has this Cowboys team believing that they can beat anyone, and even more impressively; he has Quincy Carter playing some decent football. 

But you know what the best part is?

This Cowboys team is honestly afraid of him.  It was glaringly apparent in an interview with Dallas’ three wide receivers on Sunday.  These guys respect and fear the wrath of their head coach.  Honestly, when was the last time you heard that?  Normally, if a coach comes in with a dictatorship style, the millionaire players balk and end up hating their coach.  Now, this could still happen in Dallas, but as of right now, Parcells has full control of this team.  And realistically, this is exactly what Dallas needed.  In the years under Dave Campo, Dallas players acted like they had a substitute teacher for a day; running amok and doing pretty much what they wanted.  Well, that’s not the case anymore, and it has to make Jerry “Joan Rivers” Jones one happy camper.

As for the Jets, I said this last week and I will say it again (and again):  Chad Penninton, hurry up and heal!

Number 8

The Washington “Cardiac” Redskins.  Wow, this team has had all four of its game decided by a TOTAL of 11 points.  That is an average of less than 3pts per game!  Holy man, I’ll bet anything that Coach Visor has to be both loving and hating these games at the same time.  He must be loving the fact that his team is competing in games and he has a QB who can actually play at a high level, and he must be hating the fact that his young team has trouble getting off to a good start and/or finishing teams off in games.

Such are the tribulations of a young squad, Coach Visor.  Deal with it.

Bravo to the Pats for playing an inspired game despite having more injured soldiers than an episode of M*A*S*H.  Tom Brady is becoming a stud in this league, and not because of outrageous stats or a cannon arm, but because he is displaying Fav-ruh-like toughness and Montana-like cool.  Good old Michigan alum.

Number 7

Ok, things are back to normal in Tennessee.  McNair is playing brilliant football while hurting, the Titans defense is playing physical, in your face football, and Eddie George is gaining 2.8 yards per carry.

Whew…  I was starting to worry there for a while.

I still believe that the Titans are the team that will come out of the AFC, but if I were a fan of that team, I would be seriously worried about their inability to run the ball.  They got away with it against the Steelers, because they also could not run the ball, but sooner or later it will catch up with the Titans.  Mark my words.  In fact, mark my words in week 7, when the Titans have to play that tough Carolina defense, or mark them in week 10, when Tennessee plays Miami and their run-oriented style.

Now the Steelers are in a pivotal spot in this young season, as they sit at 2-2 and have some interesting games upcoming against quality teams.  After the Steelers beat up on the Browns next week, they then have to play Denver, St. Louis and Seattle in consecutive weeks.  That stretch of game will make or break the Steelers season.  I guarantee it.

Number 6

Ok, so Green Bay is back to .500.  Was that Cardinals loss just a hiccup?  I am not so sure.  While that was an impressive win over the Bears on MNF, there is still reason to worry in Green Bay.  For one, the Packers allowed an inept Chicago run game scamper around at 6.5 yards per carry.  Also, they have possibly the league’s toughest stretch of games coming up.  Get this, of the Packers next five opponents, three are undefeated, in Seattle, KC and Minnesota, and the other two are perennial contenders just finding their groove, St. Louis and Philly.  Holy man, if the Packers lose all of those games, and there is a serious risk that they could, Brett Fav-ruh’s final season (?) could rank as one of his worst.

Number 5 – Hot Routes

-          Man, those Texans are a gutsy, go for broke group, aren’t they?  Going for the win on the last play of the game, as opposed to taking the three and heading to OT is something we see far too little of in today’s NFL.  What a great finish.

-          I am officially putting money down that Tom Jackson climbs over his desk and beats the living daylights out of Rush Limbaugh by week 12.

-          As I said before, the Raiders are old, but that doesn’t mean that their skills players still cannot dominate from time to time.  Its just too bad it took such an effort from those stars to beat the hapless Chargers (who should have won this game going away).

-          I bet you Dan Reeves will bump into Herman Edwards this week at their “Coaches who lose their star QB to a preseason injury and now have a terrible team” support group.

-          I am getting tired of the “Is this the real Jake Plummer?” questions.  Of course it is!  Who do you think it is?  The fake Jake Plummer?  Give the guy some damn credit.

-          Ok, I still hate those new weird looking helmets.  I swear those things look like they came out of the movie “TRON” or something.

Number 4

Notice to all kickers in the NFL:  DO NOT, I say again, DO NOT KICK THE BALL TO DANTE HALL.

Without question this is the most impressive performance by a return man I have ever seen in my lifetime.  Forget Desmond Howard, forget Dave Meggett, forget Eric Metcalfe and forget Brian Mitchell.  Hall is flat-out amazing people right now.  And even more amazing is the fact that people are gunning for him and making special plans to stop him.  Does anyone realize that Dante Hall won that game for the Chiefs on Sunday?  Had he not taken that kickoff to the house, and broke the Ravens collective backs, the outcome of that game could have been a whole lot different.

Another great thing about this game is that the battle of the top RBs didn’t disappoint.  Jamal Lewis did have better stats in this game, but I think that Priest will take a win over his old team any day of the week… and twice on Sundays.

Side note here, has anyone ever looked into why the best return men in the game are not all that good at any other position?  I mean, if Hall can’t be stopped in the return game, why is he simply a mediocre receiver?  Maybe it’s the open field or something, I don’t know.  Someone seriously needs to look into this…

Number 3

Shhh… can you hear that?  Can you hear any of the Donovan McNabb critics now?  Yeah, me either.  Funny how one game can silence a lot of naysayers, isn’t it?  Thanks to an impressive performance against the suddenly reeling Bills, McNabb can now breathe a little easier.  But does anyone think he was worried?

Not a chance.

Did you see his interview on NFL Countdown?  He was smiling, laughing and mocking the theories that were flying around trying to explain his poor play.  McNabb knows his skills; he knows that while he was struggling mightily early this season, it wouldn’t last.  Talent is something you just cannot keep down for too long.  I still think that things are going to be tough in Philly this year, mainly because their only real threat on offense is McNabb, and because their defense is half of what it used to be.

Now the Bills sure have stumbled as of late, haven’t they?  That week one demolition of the Patriots seems lie it occurred long ago in a galaxy far, far away, doesn’t it?  Their offense is sputtering without a consistent running game and their defense is having trouble stopping people on third down.  I look for them to get “right the wagon” this week against the Bengals.

Speaking of the Bengals…

Number 2

Bengals win!  Bengals win!  Time to rejoice in Cincinnati!

The most impressive thing about their win over the Browns on Sunday is the fact that it came courtesy of Jon Kitna.  They did not have to ride Corey Dillon the whole way there this time, mainly because he was injured and couldn’t go, but it still has to feel good for the Bengals.

We all have to admit that the Bengals had competed and had been close to winning in their previous two contests, and personally, I was thinking that it was only a matter of time before they won.  A game against the Browns was just what the Bengals and Marvin Lewis needed.  Congrats on that first win, and I have a feeling that they will get a few more this season.

Number 1

What a performance by Payton Manning on Sunday night.  Who throws six touchdowns (and no picks) in a game?  Jeez, the Colts are making a serious statement in this young season, telling teams that they are not going to be pushed around anymore.  Their defense is improving each game and is turning into one of those fast, swarm to the football units, and their offense is firing on all cylinders.

They rolled up 55 points on the Saints in that game, WIHTOUT Edge James even dressed for the game!  That is impressive.  I really have nothing to say here… I am truly amazed…

If you are looking for the game of the week for week 5, look no further than the Colts/Bucs tilt.  That game will go along way in defining both teams, and I look forward to a great, great football game.

Well thanks for tuning in folks, and remember, as you begin to ponder your potential bets for this coming weekend, heed the #1 Rule is sports betting, and heed it well.  You do not want to go through what I went through on Sunday…  trust me…

Until Next Time…

Zim can be reached at superzim@49ersparadise.cjb.net