I attended my hometown team, the Saskatchewan Roughriders; annual “Labor Day Classic” game on Sunday, vs. the hated rivals the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. Needless to say, it was a great time, 30,000 drunken football fans (from both teams by the way), two decent CFL teams, and one great afternoon.

The Riders won the game, but no football-related play could earn the top spot in my brain as the “Highlight of the Night”. Oh no, that honor was going to be bestowed on the brave dude who “streaked” during the 3rd quarter of the game, prompting a thunderous roar of laughter and applause that would rival any that was prompted by the player’s efforts. Truly hilarious, and yet, it was oddly fitting to the afternoon and the atmosphere.

That got me to thinking… (Again, I tend to do that sometimes…)

Why isn’t their more “streaking” at pro football games?

Well? Let’s first look at the word and its meaning. Webster’s dictionary defines “streak” as:

“Streak” – verb – : To run naked through a public place

Ok, simple enough, right? But there is more involved in streaking than to simply run naked through a public place, there is MUCH more involved. I think this is why we are seeing the art of “streaking” die off faster than an obscure henchman in a spy flick. When one is considering streaking, all of the applicable factors must be weighed out accordingly in order to justify the decision to do so.

(Of course, the amount of alcohol consumed can make some factors seem less important then they actually are… BIG mistake… or small, depending on your point of view)

Factors such as:

The Proverbial 15 Seconds of Fame – Actually, the time amount may be more or less, depending on your ability to outrun police and various security guards. But this factor has to weigh in when considering streaking, I mean, any streaker would almost have to have a buddy of his (or hers, hey we here at SuperZim International are into equality and stuff, but for simplicity’s and generality’s sake, we are just going to refer to streakers from here on in as him or he) prodding him on with comments like “C’mon dude, you’ll be famous! Everyone will know you!” Truly profound statements such as those are always hard to discount with normal common sense.

Arrest and Fine – One is almost assured of an arrest if one chooses to streak. However, the severity of the fine and charges depends largely on how you act toward the law upon your arrest, and how much of a sense of humor the police officer has… or so I am told.

Em”bare-ass”ment – Not only are you showing your “wedding tackle” to thousands upon thousands of random people, but also you are running the risk of having a co-worker or someone close to you seeing you in your full out birthday suit beauty. And this could lead to a strained (or enhanced) relationship.

Social Expectations – Ok, its tough enough in today’s society to conform to such beauty standards as put forth by Ken-Dolls like Brad Pitt and George Clooney, but with nice clothes and a decently styled coif, normal guys like us can pull it off. However, when streaking, there is nothing to hide those little “imperfections”. Case in point, the guy who streaked at the football came I was at on Sunday. This guy had to be tipping the scales at about 225, but not a lot of that was solid muscle. This guy, as he sprinted from end to end, had more parts jiggling in a rather disturbing fashion than I care to mention.

(Ever seen that old movie clip of that guy who takes the cannonball in the gut? Remember the ripple effect? Well, it kinda looked like that…)

Bottom line? Your physique, or lack there of, should definitely come into play when considering streaking.

Endowment – Ok, this one definitely applies to both sexes when streaking comes into their beer soaked brains. For a lady, the size of certain upper-body parts has to be considered when determining the quality or quantity of the streak. If a woman is… umm… how do I put this PC-style? “Well-endowed”, then her ability to run may be hindered due to the flopping and or jiggling of aforementioned-unmentionable parts.

(Try explaining THAT black eye to your family ladies…)

(As an aside here folks, if you are reading this, it means that my editors have been gracious enough to print this piece, which comes in direct contrast to my thought while writing this: ‘There is NO way this is going to get printed!’)

Ok, back to the matter at hand, or IN hand, I guess. As for men, the size of such private parts does not hinder the ability to run, however, the size of (or lack there of) such parts will have a direct impartial ratio to the fullness of your social calendar. Put it this way, if, when streaking, you decide that you need to be covering up your “twig and berries” to hide them from the public’s prying eye, then you have no business streaking in the first place, Shorty.

Risk/Reward – The risk is obvious (its almost like taking Terry Glenn in your NFL fantasy football draft… but that’s another story), as I have so graciously outlined above, but the reward is also a factor that comes into play when streaking becomes an intoxicating option. I mean, I have never been around someone dumb or drunk enough to try to con them into streaking, but I have heard stories. Legends, if you will. It seems to me that the common denominator 99% of the time for the reward of streaking is money. I can see this happening too. I mean, if you gather enough money from people around you in their seats, you could almost certainly convince some poor drunk buddy into streaking. Also, when one is intoxicated, the lure of about $350 is hard to overcome, even when mortifying embarrassment and certain arrest are looming. But I would have to think that the amount of money being offered would have to be substantial enough to cover the bail, the fine and a little extra for the poor fool’s efforts.

***

Now, I can see how the dying breed of dummies who choose to streak have been shielded from our view in recent years. With so many games being nationally televised, I can see many a producer screaming into the earpiece of your random cameraman…

“Get your camera off that streaker! ABC/CBS/FOX/ESPN does not want such filth shown on national television! However, I have to commend you on your great close up shot of that lineman’s lower leg compound fracture in the 2nd quarter. I… smell… EMMY!”

But, I take issue with that. I mean, why NOT film a streaker? Who, in their right mind, would NOT laugh at the sight of a streaker? It would make for great TV, would it not?

I do have a few questions though, and if any of you out there are streakers, please EMAIL ME to give me some answers. My first question is, what or where is “the point of no return” for a streaker? I mean, I can see a guy getting his shirt off and then chickening out, but how far can you go before you have no choice but to streak? Also, what happens to your clothes? Another thing, what goes through your head JUST BEFORE you are about to make the naked 100-yard dash? I mean, just after you have taken your last article of clothing off, your buddies are standing behind you cheering you on and laughing, and your hands are covering your “areas”. What goes through your head? Is there a three count involved?

I think about these things…

And it seems to me that I am not the only one who thinks of these things (thank goodness, because I was starting to worry… about all of you), in fact, 49ersparadise web-guru/site God/bossman Bryan Hersh weighed in on the oft-skirted subject of streaking with the following insightful comments:

"The ability to streak at football game has certainly become a lost art. It takes real skill to run across the field at the appropriate time. Even more skill to do so after stripping down. The unfortunate matter is that with today's television cameras, and a full fledge police force at every game, it's so much harder to pull it off. The good news is, thanks to fraternities throughout North America, the art of 'streaking' has not been archived under 'archaic' just yet. In the fraternal world, the hazing practice of running from one point of school to the other while letting it all hang out, is still quite common. As fraternities continue to implement such practices, it will only be a matter of time before a skilled young man or better yet, woman, decides to try their art in front of a national audience."

(It seems to me that B is speaking from experience… I’ll have to investigate this further… but not too far… that would be just sick…)

Also, my buddy and co-worker Mikey chimed in with these profound thought-stirring remarks:

“What makes you think we all want to see you naked and running? Is the city ‘clink’ not scary enough fully clothed? "Homer, hide your shame!" Funny how there is always a ‘Simpsons’ reference to most of life's situations. Is there really a need for the police/security to be overly rough in 'bringing down the offender? Really, the person (usually a man), is naked, drunk, winded from running so far, and just happy to be there. I would think stopping him, asking him to turn around for handcuffing, and then escorting him out of the stadium would be all the force needed in almost all streaking situations.

Why does it seem that men are the only ones streaking? I know the 2 ladies in England (one at Wimbledom, one at golf) showed up, but in general it is men. I am all for being proud of your own body, or just not caring that much at that point in time, but, sometimes there is just no need to show everyone that deep fried cheese and alcohol constitute staples in your 'diet'.

When it comes down to it, streaking is still an entertaining way to kill some time at a sporting event. It is not done all that often anymore, so it is still funny when it happens, especially in Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada. As long as the streaker does not hinder the game/match etc., go for it. You will now be the subject of articles and the odd news story. Hopefully that is not the only accomplishment in one's life to talk about. Enjoy, for the moment, someone's complete lack of self-restraint and obvious lack of physical self-discipline. Glad I don't have to explain to the significant other why I was running naked in front of 30,000+ people.”

Well said fellas, and I must admit that I too look forward to the possibility of young, moronic people bringing streaking back to the forefront of popular culture. After all, it will take such a youth movement of foolishness to bring it back, because logic would dictate that older, wiser folk would know better than to try to revive: “Streaking: The Lost Art of Idiocy”… But then again, you never know… right?

Until Next Time…