Howdy readers! Welcome to the official summertime “lull” in the sporting world! The NBA has wrapped up another low-ratings season, the NHL has crowned its champ, the U.S. Open is over, and MLB is in its full monotonous swing.

Good times huh?

No. Not good times.

So, to ease your burden of not having any exciting sports to watch, I figured I would sound off on some of the vital questions surrounding this upcoming NFL season. And what better way to do so than to bring out my trusty “Magic 8 Ball”?

So, here we go with another rousing edition of “SuperZim and his Magic 8 Ball”…

First question, an easy (and obvious) one to get the old 8 Ball warmed up: Will we see a new SuperBowl Champion crowned this year?

Magic 8 Ball’s response?

Yes.

Ok, so there you go, don’t go out and waste your money betting on the Patriots again, because I can now officially say that they will not repeat as SB Champs. It’s that easy folks. Also, you can spare yourself some wasted reading time when some of those “experts” out there start spewing garbage about how the Pats will contend again.

(By the way, there are two things I do NOT tempt in my life, one being karma, and the other being the Magic 8 Ball’s response. If you tempt or question either of these things you are in for it, and I’m not talking some simple bad luck, I am talking the most horrendous thing imaginable… that’s right, your favorite team’s star player – QB/RB/WR/LB/DE – going down to a season ending injury. Ooooh, I shudder at the thought.)

Next question, trying to get the 8 Ball into full swing now: Will those teams who took HUGE chances on oft-troubled players (the Terry Glenn’s and Ryan Leaf’s of the world) regret their decisions at the end of the season?

Magic 8 Ball’s response?

You may rely on it.

All right, a definite answer from the 8 Ball. Looks like Mike Sherman will be having fun times trying to deal with Terry Glenn’s griping by about mid-season and Mike Holmgren will be begging some other poor schmuck of a GM to take Ryan Leaf off his hands by week 5. Gotta love those proverbial “Troubled player tries to turn his career and life around” type stories, don’t you?

Next question for the Magic 8 Ball: Will we see another underdog win the SuperBowl this year?

Magic 8 Ball’s response?

Don’t count on it.

Very well, we now see that the favored team will be winning it all this year. Now because I didn’t specify in my question, means that the underdog’s still have a chance to get to the playoffs and such, but the favored teams will win the ones that count. So, you can save yourself some scrutinizing at the sports books by trying figure out the odds of the underdog to win because, they won’t. Bank on it.

Next question: Will we see a star player go down to injury and subsequently, that player’s team as well?

Magic 8 Ball’s response?

Cannot predict now.

Ok, this is a good thing. I asked this question now for a reason, to see if any of you out there dared to question the 8 Ball’s answers. I am pleased to see that none of you have read the first item and said “Aw, that’s bull. Zim doesn’t know squat. He can take that 8 Ball and stuff it up…”

Ok, Ok, I think we all get the picture.

Anyway, no matter what happens this season, I really hope this one holds true, because injuries are never fun and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy (although I have thought about buying a Kurt Warner voodoo doll on occasion).

Next question: Will we see some teams repeat as division champions this year?

Magic 8 Ball’s response?

Most likely.

There you have it. Raiders, Steelers, Patriots, Eagles, Bears and Rams fans rejoice. Your beloved teams still have a chance at winning their respective divisions this season. Now with the re-alignment and stuff, this will obviously not hold completely true, but it will to a point.

(Again, I warn you, do not question the Magic 8 Ball. I’ll tell you why in a minute.)

Next question, the 8 Ball is really rolling now: Will John Madden succeed on Monday Night Football this year?

Magic 8 Ball’s response?

Outlook not so good.

Uh oh, our first shocker of the column. Looks like old Johnny will not do as well on MNF as everyone is anticipating. We may see John stumble a few times on such a large stage, although its hard to think that he could, after calling all those SuperBowls. But I did say “this year” in that question, so maybe the chemistry will take some time to evolve between Johnny and Al. Hold fast John Madden fans, all hope is not lost just yet.

Next question, a nice lead in from the last one: Will anyone miss Dennis Miller and Dan Fouts?

Magic 8 Ball’s response?

Very Doubtful.

This one is an easy one, don’t you think? The collective indignation that was had for Miller and Fouts by the football population was well documented, so seeing them bow out of the MNF scene will be a welcome change for all, I believe. Between Miller’s obscure 12th century literature references and Fouts’ overstating of the glaringly obvious, MNF got to be bit un-entertaining at times (the understatement of the year).

I bet you Al Michaels is breathing a sigh of relief too, because he will no longer have to try to translate Miller’s lunacy riddled quips to the general public, and he will not have to try to cajole an original thought out of Fouts’ bearded visage either.

Even if John Madden falls flat on MNF, it is going to be a definite improvement.

Next up: Will FOX try to somehow arrange some sort of “NFL Female Sideline Reporter Mud Wrestling Challenge” sometime soon?

Magic 8 Ball’s response?

Yes.

A simple answer for an obvious question. I mean, who wouldn’t rather tune in to see Melissa Stark squaring off against Jillian Barberie in a ferocious mud-wrestling match, as opposed to seeing Todd Bridges and Danny Bonaduce and their pathetic attempt at pugilism?

I know I would tune in (my money would be on Melissa, she’s a feisty little blonde).

My bet is that FOX has already tried to rig this up, and if they haven’t… WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

Next question: Am I the only one who still believes that Doug Flutie can do great things in San Diego?

Magic 8 Ball’s response?

Most likely.

Ok then, fine, I can take a hint. It looks like I am the only one thinking that Doug Flutie can resurrect his magic and become “Flutielicious” again. Well, I still think he can do it, and dammit, I gotta believe! I mean, any dude who still wears a mullet deserves a chance, don’t you think?

(I am coming dangerously close to tempting the 8 ball here, so I better move onto the next question. Oh yeah, as for why I never tempt the 8 Ball? Well, when I first got the thing, I was in the 5th or 6th grade or something, and I used this 8 Ball to answer the most serious of questions. I peered into that ball and asked if the girl I had a HUGE crush on liked me, to which I got the reply of “Not likely”. I scoffed at its response and threw it across the room, I mean, how could she not like me? That damn stupid 8 Ball was wrong! Or so I thought. After building up the nerve to write her a note – you know the kind, the ‘Do you like me? Check the box yes or check the box no. And pass it back type of note – I figured I was in. But then I got the note back and opened it only to find that she had not checked YES or NO, but instead she had drawn her own box and beside it had written “Yeah right, not in a million years”, and checked that off in big black marker. Not good times at all, I was crushed. And ever since, I dare not tempt the answers of the 8 Ball.)

Clear enough? Ok, let’s get back to the column.

Next question, time to wind it down, as the 8 Ball is looking a little fatigued: Am I the only one who finds Terry Bradshaw “Nails on the Chalkboard” annoying?

Magic 8 Ball’s response?

My sources say no.

Wheew! Good, because I am really starting to tire of Bradshaw’s hillbilly antics. If the 8 Ball’s sources say no, maybe one day FOX’s will too.

Next to last question for the Magic 8 Ball: Will my NFL TV coverage improve this year?

Magic 8 Ball’s response?

Better not tell you now. I swear if I ever see Arn Tellem and his wife (some CBS big wig), that is the ONLY question I will ask.

How correct will SuperZim and his magic 8 ball be? 90-100% 80-90% 70-80% 60-70% 50-60% 40-50% 30-40% 20-30% 10-20% 0-10% Current Results

Now, time for the last question in this edition of “SuperZim and his Magic 8 Ball”: Is this the year when the 49ers will finally stand up and challenge the St. Louis Rams?

Magic 8 Ball’s response?

Without a doubt.

No explanation necessary here, this is the season it will happen, and just like my trusty Magic 8 Ball said…

“Without a doubt.”

Until Next Time…