Ahhh… Don’t you just love the proverbial cliché? I mean, does it get any better than hearing a good football cliché during a game? It is a signal that football is back in full swing, and even the commentators are primed and ready for the season, just as you are.

But what is in a cliché? Have you ever really thought about what a cliché is saying?

Well… I have. I think about these things. While a lot of other fans are worrying about their favorite teams back up center position, my mind tends to wander into the realm of commentator stupidity.

Does this make me any LESS of a fan than the rest of you? Nope. It just makes me a more observant one.

Don’t get me wrong; I DO worry about things related to the 49ers (injuries mounting, being atop my list), but I think that worrying about such things during the preseason is about as pointless as a grave robbery in a crematorium.

Anyway, here are a few clichés that I recently have heard in my football fandom, and what I thought when the commentator(s) finished spewing it out.

“They have to play ball-control offense.” – Now I don’t know what kind of football the team being referenced was planning on playing, but I am pretty sure that EVERY offense has to be in control of the ball. Isn’t that the point of the game?

“This guy is the hardest working guy on the team.” – Ok, this is one of the phrases I have the toughest time with. I think they throw this one out there when talking about a player who isn’t really that special, or really don’t have all that much skill, but they have to say something positive about him. I like when the booth men are stammering over some obscure player and just decide to lay this line out there as a default compliment. But I would really like to know how it would be possible to have 5 or 6 guys be the hardest working guy on your team.

“The kick splits the uprights.” – Maybe I am being too literal here, but I have never seen a kick split those hollow steel uprights. I once saw a play run into the uprights, and the only thing that was split was the dude’s melon, split wide open.

“The ball takes a Green Bay bounce.” – A Green Bay bounce? Does that make sense to any of you? I can see the ball bouncing in a manner that is beneficial to Green Bay, but to take a Green Bay bounce is utterly impossible, unless they are talking about Gilbert Brown’s backside.

“The defense has got to make a stand here.” – No lying down on the job, you’ve got to stand to play defense.

“He shook off several would-be tacklers.” – "Would-be" is one of the all time greatest word combos, especially when used in football. Would-be… I love it! Its great because it has no real use anywhere else than when referring to tacklers, I mean, have you ever heard someone say “I snuck out of the office today, avoiding a lot of would-be projects.” Nope, you probably haven’t. But to tell you the truth, I am going to start using that line now, and come Friday afternoon, I am going to do the same thing. Sneak out of the office, avoiding the would-be work, and instead hit a patio for a will-be frosty beer.

“He’s got ALL KINDS of time back there.” – What the? ALL KINDS of time? How many other kinds of time are there?

“That was a circus catch!” – Ok, until I see someone make a play where smelly arenas, peanuts, clowns, juggling and elephants are involved, the term circus is not allowed to be employed when describing a catch. Wait a minute… I guess an NFL game DOES have all of those above criteria, doesn’t it? Ok then, never mind.

“They pay him to make those catches” – Don’t they pay him to make every catch?

“That looked like just a simple miscommunication.” – If is was so simple, why did it get screwed up?

“He threw up a prayer.” – I don’t know about you, but I don’t recall any prayers starting with “rrrallllppphhh”.

(OHHH! Cue the rimshot please! Bah dum dum ching! Thank you thank you, I’ll be here all week! Try the veal!)

“Great second effort there.” – If the first effort was as great, we wouldn’t need to describe the second one. Do you think a player decides “Ok, I am going to make a poor first effort, and then really turn it up on the second effort”, at some point during the play? Of course not. The play is all one effort. Sheesh… I should be up there with Madden and Michaels to straighten things like this out, don’t you think?

“This is a guy who gives 125% all the time.” – Ok, no need for a discussion here. Physically impossible. Just one of the stupidest terms I have ever heard.

“Their locker room must look like a MASH unit.” – I have never seen Radar, Hawkeye, Honeycutt or even Hot Lips in an NFL locker room, have you?

And let’s not forget about my favorite cliché of all time…

“This is the guy who is the first guy there in the morning, and the last guy to leave at night.” – With all the guys I have heard this about, I really wonder, if one of them is the last to leave, when do they actually leave the place? Are guys there all night long? Do guys make a conscious effort to be the last guy to leave, just so that someone will say that about them? Am I the only one who thinks about these things?

Well, there you have it folks, just my slanted view of a few clichés which you will undoubtedly hear during the coming NFL campaign. Enjoy them, cause I know I sure will, even if I don’t understand them…

Until Next Time…