I hate the NFL preseason.

No. Check that.

I strongly dislike the NFL preseason. Hate is too strong a word. And I could never use hate to describe my feelings about something that does bring me slight glints of joy in its beginning stages.

No. Check that again.

I DO hate the NFL preseason.

Before I get into what makes me direct such seething fury toward the NFL preseason, let me tell you that when it first gets into motion, when teams start breaking camp to play a preseason game, I am a very happy guy, in fact, I am thrilled, euphoric even. I am that way because that first NFL preseason game marks the end of the long dreary NFL OFFseason (which I hate even more, but that’s another story). But when the preseason gets into full swing and I start tuning in as best I can, and start devoting all of my internet time to reading about team updates and such, I come to the realization that I do not like the NFL preseason at all.

Now let me tell you why…

Reason #1: The Meaningless Nature of the Games

This is one of the major things that gets me during the preseason (referred to as PS from here on in, for no other reason than I am getting damned tired of typing the word “preseason” over and over, ok?) because the games hold no weight what so ever. I mean, a team could go winless or undefeated in PS and that still would have zero effect on what transpires during the regular season.

For example, the 49ers / Redskins game in Japan was a blowout, compliments of the “I came from Florida and we used to do this all the time to small community colleges” attitude of one Steve Spurrier and his ingenious offensive schemes which involves leaving in your 1st string offense (if that’s what they are calling it) for most of the game against a bunch of undrafted FA’s and rookies in order to run up the score and impress Danny Snyder. The fact that it was a blowout means nothing, but the fact that there was no reaction by the Niners sidelines – DURING the game – showed the true testament of how unimportant these PS games really are. If they did actually mean something, I can assure you that Mooch would have taken some drastic – within the parameters of the rules of football, of course – measures to exact revenge on Spurrier and his team.

Alas, no revenge was had, and no actions were taken. Why? Because the game was meaningless, which is exactly my point.

Reason #2: Bland Offensive and Defensive Schemes

This is a point that every NFL fan can relate to, no matter how they feel about the NFL PS. It is widely known that every single NFL team “scales” down its systems for the PS for two main reasons:

To prevent showing TOO much to other teams this early in the season and to make it easier for the rookies and other new acquisitions to learn them.

Ok, fine. I am all right with this, to a point. I can understand why they are doing it, HOWEVER, I would still think that if you were going to go to the trouble of suiting up the players, preparing for the game and traveling to the location, you would actually want to friggin WIN THE GAME!

I know I would. If the game hangs in the balance and your team is on the brink of victory, I say scrap the notion of hiding your plans and go for the damn win. Break out that new blitz package; throw the ball deep, call that trick play… do something!

Reason #3: Sloppy Play

Penalties, penalties, penalties! With all the new faces in each huddle, everyone expects mistakes, and mistakes do happen…

…All the time.

We, the fans, see far too many “Too many man on the field” penalties, “False start” calls and “Pass Interference” flags. It slows the game down. It makes it, dare I say it, boring.

Reason #4: Injuries

Another sentiment that is shared by many an NFL fan out there. We see far too many good players lost to freak injury during the PS than necessary.

Blown knees, busted ankles, severed Achilles’, sprained joints, etc, etc, etc.

Injuries will happen, but they would be more tolerable if they occurred in a game where the full offensive and defensive schemes were being employed and the division crown was on the line. It is really hard to take (for everyone, fans, coaches, teammates, owners, insurance guys) when it happens in the 4th quarter of a 9-6 barnburner in front of 22,000 stoic Japanese fans who have no idea what they are watching.

(Just an example, by the way… not a real occurrence.)

Reason #5: Over Hyped Rookies and Free Agents

Needless hype is something that happens in all sports, but never is it more prevalent than in an NFL PS game. The TV coverage (which is always incredibly poor) always makes mention of some highly drafted rookie who is supposed to be the next Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, Deion Sanders, Jack Lambert or Anthony Munoz. While this hype makes for good (or better, I should say) TV, it always almost ends in disaster for the player, the team and the crack network that assembled the piece. More often than not, these players turn out not to be the next Montana, Rice, Sanders, Lambert or Munoz…

…Instead they turn out to be the next Todd Marinovich, Brian Bosworth or Tony Mandarich.

(Are you not impressed with my knowledge of all time NFL busts? However, my mind drew a blank when trying to think of the biggest bust at Wide Receiver. So, if you have a suggestion, be sure to drop me an email at superzim@49ersparadise.cjb.net)

Reason #6: Its all a Tease

Did you ever find yourself lusting after the hottest girl in high school? C’mon… admit it. You are sitting in Grade 11 Algebra on a Wednesday, paying absolutely no attention to the integers on the chalkboard or the teacher’s mindless rambling, but instead are fixated on that hot girl one row over and three seats ahead.

(I’ll pause while all you guys go back to that memory in your past…)

Anyway… you finally get up the nerve to talk to this girl (thanks to your buddy’s incessant prodding) and you discover that she actually likes you and has accepted your invitation to head to the movies with you. So, after puffing out your chest and bragging to all your loser buddies about how you are the man with all the chicks, and how this chick was all up in your mix, you head home to plan out that perfect date on Friday night. You get a new shirt. You get a haircut. You empty out that limited bank account. You wash and shine up your wheels, and by the way, that 79 Ford Pinto has never looked better.

Then Friday arrives.

You make some small talk with the hot girl at school and decide that you will pick her up at 8 to head to the 8:45 showing of Jurassic Park. She tells you she can’t wait to go out with you and she is really excited. You blush and float away on Cloud 9.

The school day just draaaaaaags on. You think that 3:20 will NEVER arrive. When it finally does, you walk out of school with your buddies, and complete one last round of bragging to your loser pals with no hot chicks. You head home. You eat supper and sit in front of your digital alarm clock watching the minutes tick by until they finally read 7:15. You take a shower. You throw on those lucky pair of BVD’s. You button up that brand new Mondetta USA shirt. You do your hair. You slap on a “Sam Malone” size portion of your favorite cologne, tonight it just happens to be CK Escape. You leave the house and are ready for the best night of your life.

You hop in that fueled up, shiny-clean Pinto and roll to the hot chicks place, all the while bobbing your head to Snoop Doggy Dogg’s new album blaring in your cassette player. It’s 8:03; you arrive fashionably late, by design. You stroll up to her parent’s front door in as cool a manner as possible. You knock on the door and stand back, preparing to be blown away by your girl’s beauty.

The door opens…

It’s her MOM!

Mom - “Hello. What can I do for you?”

You – (clearing throat) “Umm… I’m here to pick up –insert hot girl’s name of your memory here– for our date tonight.”

Mom – (looking confused at first, then she looks at you with severe pity and sorrow) “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about. –Insert hot girl’s name of your memory here– has gone out already for the night. She just left 15 minutes ago with Brett… you know? The Brett who plays QB for –insert your high school name here--?”

You are crushed, humiliated, defeated, deflated, angry, sad, mortified, ashamed, heartbroken and embarrassed all at the same time.

Do you know the feeling?

Well, that is how the NFL preseason makes me feel. The build up and hype is amazing, and I get so excited for it to arrive, and when it finally does…

…I feel like that 16yr old standing on the doorstep of the hottest girl in school, a bundle of cheap carnations in on hand, movie tickets in the other, as her mother tells me that she has already left with the star QB of my high school and totally ditched me.

Yes, its that bad.

Until Next Time…

(Ok, just to clarify. The above situation NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME, honestly, it didn’t. In fact, I WAS the star QB of my high school team, and I just made that entire sequence up to illustrate my point. That situation is completely fictional, honestly it is! Why am I being so adamant about this? Well… you just never mind!)