Gambling Udate: Zim vs. The Wife

My Ticket:

BUF @ NYJ – BUF to win

TEN @ BAL – TIE

JAX @ DAL – JAX to win

IND @ DEN – IND to win

Potential Prize: $155.76

Recap: Not a bad call on the TEN/BAL tie game, but the BUF and JAX losses doomed me for another week. I am getting better at this, but I fear that I may run out of time before I get this figured out.

The Wife’s Ticket:

ATL @ CAR – ATL to win

SD @ MIA – SD to win

CIN @ PIT – CIN to win

GB @ TB – GB to win

Potential Prize: $215.62

Recap: Apparently the Wife has about as much faith in Kordell as the rest of the NFL world, but those Bungles made him look good again. I liked the looks of her ticket, but those SD and GB losses, although they were surprises, threw a wrench into things.

Number 10

Congratulations Houston Texans on a gritty win over the ugly Giants. That lowly expansion team has really shown a lot of guts this year, don’t you think? Riding a rookie QB and a patchwork defense, this team has made a better showing than the abysmal Bengals, and has the same record as the lowly Lions as well as mishap-riddled Minnesota.

Not bad for an expansion squad huh?

It's just too bad they don’t play in the NFC Central, because if they did, they would be tied for 2nd place in their division.

I think this team is a few years, and a couple decent defensive players away from being a respectable football team.

Number 9

Speaking of ugly, how about that Baltimore / Tennessee yawner? I swear that it is always AFC teams involved in these snooze-fests. Think about it, you have Cincy, Pittsburgh, Cleveland and Baltimore in the AFC North. Wow, talk about your offensive powerhouse division.

Also, you have Indy, Tennessee, Jax and Houston in the AFC South. Again, with exception of Indy, none of those teams tend to tear up the scoreboard.

So, whenever any of these teams play each other, or anyone else, you can expect a boring, 13-10 game or an unentertaining 12-9 contest.

This is why I will always pick a TIE game whenever betting on any of these yawners. Hence, my pick on the Ten / Bal game, which tore up the field to the tune of 13-12… woo hoo! How exciting!

The NFL should formulate a new logo for those divisions, something like:

“The AFC North and South: So defensive minded… it’s offensive to watch.”

or…

“The AFC North and South: We score less than the Chess Club.”

You know, something along those lines… I think I should be in marketing or something…

Number 8

Speaking of the AFC North, how about those Cleveland Oranges beating the supposedly powerful N’Awlins Saints? Did anyone see that coming, other than those die-hard, bottle throwing Cleveland fans who would lie to your face as quick as look at ya?

Suddenly we have New Orleans unable to score at will like they used to, and they look really vulnerable, almost as if that loss to the Falcons really stung them and left a mark.

This game is a turning point for both teams, and I am curious who goes where from here.

Number 7

Somebody stick a fork in Kansas City, would ya? Those dudes are done.

Losing that game to the Seahawks effectively ended their chances of sneaking into the playoffs, with them playing in the league’s toughest division and all. Priest “I score more than John” Holmes had another huge day, albeit in defeat, and pushed his TD scoring mark to 20, now its just too bad that the KC defense made Matt Hasslebeck look like… ummm… Dave Krieg for a day.

(How sad is that?)

Anyway, the Chiefs are at 5-6, which is far better than a lot of teams in this league, but they also are looking up at three 7-4 teams IN THEIR OWN DIVISION and have to play St. Louis, Denver, Oakland and San Diego yet. Yikes…

Number 6

Rarely do we see teams get absolutely OWNED by another team. But this year, we saw the Atlanta Falcons slap the Carolina Panthers around till they cried for they Momma’s.

(By the way, my constant use of the word “own” stems from my own world and playing days in various sports. When I play basketball, I tend not to get into that whole “talking smack” thing because, well, it’s tired. It’s old. It’s Steve DeBerg playing for the Falcons in 98. However, when playing well and making a mockery of an opponents defensive skills, I do like to tell them about it, because, well, as a player, you HAVE to. So, to stray from the norm and to keep the stale lines in the background, I came up with “I own you.” There you have it, so feel free to drop this one on some poor fool’s noggin when you are abusing him/her for 40pts in a ball game or running circles around them in football. But be sure to give me full credit, or you will hear form my legal team.)

Anyway, how do you feel Carolina? Not only did you hosers drop your 8th in a line, but you got schooled by Atlanta to the tune of 71-nil in your season series. Ouch. Not since the Niners used to beat down the Rams for like 72 years in a row have we seen this kind of inter-division dominance. But what do you really expect when trotting out Rodney Robinson-Peete as your starting pivot?

(Don’t try to tell me that Rodney didn’t take his wife’s name in their marriage. We all know who wears the pants in that holy union.)

The Falcons are really making noise this year, and obviously they can thank only one man for their success.

Mike Vick. Or Michael Vick, whatever.

That is why, from now on, I am going to refer to the Atlanta Falcons as the “Atlanta FalCorleones”, because just as one Michael brought the Corleone family un-Godly wealth, this Michael will do the same for the Atlanta franchise, now aptly named the “FalCorleones”.

Number 5 - Awards Time

Ok, so this week we saw Matt Hasselbeck toss for Levon Kirkland’s weight in yards and we saw some good numbers by some RBs in the league.

But this week I have to give credit where credit is due.

Koy Detmer, you played one helluva game last night before falling victim to that freaky looking elbow injury. Detmer sliced up the suddenly suspect 49ers secondary and seemed to be in a rhythm not usually seen by a dude who hasn’t played since ’99. His line wasn’t anything spectacular, but it was more than effective and he didn’t make mistakes. (A 115 rating isn’t anything to sneeze at…)

If you would have told me that I would have been praising a Detmer is this spot today, I definitely would have scoffed at your comment and then suggested you seek help for your insanity.

Well Koy, congrats, because you “owned” the Niners last night, you are this week’s “Man of Steel”. Now if you could only stop doing that stupid TD celebration of yours, we could probably be civil acquaintances. Even if you do look like Noah Wyle’s (of NBC’s ER fame) uglier younger brother.

As for this week’s “Miss Tessmacher Award for Stupidity”, that one will have to be bestowed on Marty Mornin-sickness for his completely idiotic choice in their game vs. the Chicago Bears. Now conventional wisdom would dictate that if you win the coin toss in OT, you take the ball in an effort to be the first team to score first in SUDDEN DEATH overtime, right? Well, maybe I shouldn’t say conventional wisdom when referring to Mornin-after. Hell, he is anything but conventional, and I don’t think I should even use wisdom in the same paragraph as that soon to be unemployed man.

Congrats Marty Mornin-coffee, your blunder cost your squad the game. For cryin out loud man, have some faith in your offense and your kicker! Jason Hanson is one of the best in the game!

Number 4 - Three Step Drops

- Kordell! Buddy! Welcome back to the NFL! We always knew you had it in you! We knew that you were a good QB who just was in a slump! We now know that you are ready to step back in and lead Pittsburgh to the Promised Land. Oh hold on. Let’s not get crazy here. Kordell did play well this weekend, but look who he was playing. The Cincinnati Central Collegiate Marching Band didn’t put up much of a scuffle.

- Umm, is it just me, or does Andy Reid always pick his nose on camera?

- Uh oh… don’t look now Jaguar fans. Fred Taylor is on the cusp of a 1,000yd season. How is this possible? Has he already surpassed his yearly quota for groin injuries or something?

- Do you think that two weeks ago A.J. Feeley was just chillin out behind the scenes for the Eagles, lovin life as an NFL back up back up? Well, his heart rate probably skyrocketed when he was told to warm up to get in the game on MNF. Such is the life of an NFL back up QB. (Like I would know…)

- Kurt Warner’s return to glory was anything but, hey people? I love seeing the Rams fail, and its even better since they actually had a chance to win the game, but Warner coughed up the pill late in the game and deep in Coach Visor’s territory. Excellent.

- Terrell Owens is a friggin monster. Did any of you see that “7 Days to Monday” thing last night? TO works out late a night and you can tell that whatever he does pays off big time. Dude is huge! And ripped! Man… what a work ethic he has to maintain that physique.

- Ok, so what is with the Chargers? This team has joined the Colts as the two teams who no one knows what to expect of them from week to week. Cripes, to get blown up 30-3 by the Dolphins is bad enough, not even considering that they were without their starting QB at the time. Where is the team that played inspired, tough football the week previous against the Niners? The Chargers are fast becoming a team whom I will not bet on any longer.

Number 3

Ok, now onto this Colts / Broncos game. Mike Vanderjagt? Who are you kidding? He’s money in the snow. What did you people expect? The kid played up here in the Great White North for a few years, where kicking field goals is a damn adventure every time you line up to do so.

Wind? Shoot, here in Canada, especially on the prairies, we get winds that whip and swirl, it’s like trying to kick the ball in a vacuum. Cold? C’mon y’all. A cold day in Green Bay is a day that we go out to make snowmen here in Canada. Until it gets so cold that they don’t recommend going outside with exposed skin for more than 2 minutes for fear of severe frostbite, you guys can’t talk about cold. Vanderjagt has probably kicked field goals with footballs that were so iced it would have felt like kicking a frozen 3lb frying chicken!

So we know that Mike V is money in the cold, but I honestly did not think that the rest of the Colts would be. I mean, this squad plays in a dome in Indianapolis for cryin out loud! Denver, on the other hand practices, plays and lives in that cold Denver thin-air climate. How could they get outplayed like that in their own house? In their own conditions? I don’t get it.

Anyway, as I have said before, no one who follows the NFL knows what to expect from the Colts from week to week. I mean, they can play great football in tough conditions like they did on Sunday night, or they can play poor, lackadaisical football like they have in losses to Washington or Tennessee.

Coach Dungy has got to get that straightened out as the season comes to a close, if the Colts want to make some noise come playoff time.

At least they don’t have to worry about their kicker.

Number 2

Green Bay vs. Tampa Bay. Wow, what a match up. Both teams coming in at 8-2 and looking to grab hold of home filed advantage in the playoffs. We should expect a tough, close game here, don’t you think?

Well, we got anything but.

Fav-ruh looked passive and unfocused in this loss, tossing up 4 picks en route to that 21-7 beating at the hands of the Bucs. Now the Bucs on the other hand looked really strong. Their offense was adequate, which is more than it has been in previous years, and their defense was outstanding, as always. That D held Ahman Green and Fav-ruh in check for the entire game, and put some punishing hits on a lot of Green Bay players in the process.

Which provides me a nice segue into my next point… The whole Sapp vs. Sherman thing.

Ok, so Warren Sapp laid a vicious (legal) shot on an unsuspecting Chad Clifton. Clifton gets jarred from the blow and is still trying to recover. Sherman takes exception to the hit because it was behind the play. Sherman confronts Sapp on the field after the game to tell him about it. A profanity-riddled melee ensues, cueing the media hype and souring the outcome of an otherwise entertaining contest.

Now, that hit on Clifton was behind the play, but it was legal. So that’s that, ok? How many times have we seen hits like that this season? Remember when Ray Lewis laid some dude out on MNF during Chris McAllister’s 108yd missed FG return for a TD. That hit was equally as vicious, and equally as legal.

End of story.

Now Mike Sherman did do a manly thing to confront Sapp about it though, I mean, his team just got their asses handed to them physically in this game, and Sherman showed that he is willing to stand up to the bully for his guys. Gutsy move Sherman. Especially against that Skoal spitting, fire-eyed, mile a minute, hot head named Warren Sapp.

Now admittedly, this thing got blown way out of proportion, but it will add a certain spice to this heated rivalry for future games (possibly playoffs).

Number 1

So, this is what it feels like to be “owned”.

The Niners got punked huge in this game. The Eagles made a mockery of the Niners secondary (in particular Mike Rumph-lestilskin) and made them look stupid on MNF in their own house.

The Niners obviously came out in this game flat, seemingly looking past the McNabb-less Eagles. Emotion and confidence is an underrated thing in football, and the Niners had none of it, while the Eagles were brimming with it on Monday.

They came into the Stick, with the Niners wearing the old-school jerseys, and slapped the Niners up and down the field. Shoved them around like a schoolyard bully. Probably took their lunch money too.

The Eagles threw the ball around with ease and it seemed that the Niners simply didn’t have an answer for it. Man to man? Nope, they just will run a go pattern by the DB or run a quick slant in front of em. Zone? Can’t do that either. They just sit down in the soft spots (obviously in that 8-10yd range on the left sideline) and get easy first downs. Blitz? Pleeease. Run that reverse right by you.

It’s like the Eagles were a call or two ahead of the Niners all game long. Did they steal the playbook or something?

By the way, allowing the ancient Brian Mitchell to take a punt to the house is a terrible, terrible occurrence. There is no way a team like the Niners, who have exceptional team speed, should let a geezer like that take one back in their yard. Man, that’s brutal.

Speaking of special teams, I want to know if the 49ers have made a big play on special teams this year? I mean, the Niners longest return so far this year is only 50yds. It seems that the Niners have a huge weakness in that department, with the suspect kicking game and now the obviously suspect return teams.

Man, a loss like this can make or break a team, where they will either nose-dive after getting demoralized, or step up and hit back, preserving their respective manhood. I am interested to see how this team reacts to this, and if history of any use, the Niners will bounce back, and bounce back in a big way.

I look for them to play angry next week, taking out their aggressions on the Seahawks. Or at least I hope they do.

Until Next Time…