This week’s Top Ten is brought to you by “SPAM”. The highest quality meat bi-product snack that has more uses than your average Swiss Army Knife.

(By the way, does anyone know what SPAM actually stands for? Believe it or not, its “Shoulder of Pork And Ham”. To me it’s more like “Squared Pieces of Ass and Mold”.)

Zim says, “Do yourself a favor and go out and buy a can of SPAM, just to remind yourself how utterly disgusting it is.”

By the way, if anyone out there has any legitimately tasty recipes for SPAM, be sure to email them to me at superzim@49ersparadise.cjb.net, and I will not only try it, but I will mock you relentlessly for actually having a recipe involving SPAM.

Gambling Udate: Zim vs. The Wife

My Ticket:

CLE @ JAX – CLE to win

STL @ KC – KC to win

ATL @ TB – TIE

PHI @ SEA – PHI to win

Potential Prize - $93.28

Recap: OHHHH! So close! If I had only picked the CLE game to be a tie and chose TB to win I would have finally gotten into the W column! Man! So close, and yet so far away. Hey wait, wasn’t that an 80’s tune of some sort?

The Wife’s Ticket:

CIN @ CAR – CIN to win

IND @ TEN – TEN to win

NO @ BAL – BAL to win

DEN @ NYJ – DEN to win

Potential Prize: $95.84

Recap: I tried to warn her about picking Cincy and her beloved Titans when we were standing at the kiosk, but she was having none of it. Oh well, everyone knows that the lure of the big odds and long shots is hard to overcome, and the Wife is no exception to that rule.

Number 10

Ok, let me tell you all something…

I have all but written off the Chiefs as far as playoff hopes go, but let me just say that they are officially the team that NOBODY wants to play right now. Who puts 49 points up TWO WEEKS in a row? Sheesh, I mean, granted it was against the Cards and the Rams, but to put up squared sevens in consecutive weeks is something worth mentioning.

I honestly thought that Tony Gonzalez would have a better season though, with the threat of Priest, I figured that would open things up for him. Guess not.

As for the Rams, well, that bandwagon must be getting lighter by the second, don’t you think? All those fair-weather fans must be hopping off left and right, leaving only those die-hards that have been there from the start. To those die-hards, I have to say this…

Keep on keeping on y’all. The injury bug ravaged your team like the Black Plague this season, and even with that, you managed to scare a lot of teams. Your offense is still one of the best in the game, just get everyone healthy and come out swinging next season. Believe me, this is hard to admit, seeing as how I despise your team more than most in the NFL, but I give credit where credit is due.

Number 9

I called out the Bengals last week, asking them to find their respective man-hoods for crissakes. Well, I guess those Bungles do NOT read this column.

Shame on them for that. And shame on them for letting the Panthers hand 52pts on their supposedly improved defense. 52 pts? What in the name of Boomer Esiason is that all about? Holy crap.

Seriously, they need to pull out the fire-hose and clean out that entire front office. Hose em all out and start fresh. Seriously. Pull a Moses “40 Days of Rain” deal on that franchise and start completely over. That is the only way they are ever going to get things changed in Cincy.

Pitiful…

Number 8

“Hail Mary full of Grace”

Wow, what a catch by Quincy Morgan in the waning seconds. He was the only Brown in the area and somehow he wrestled it out of the defender’s grasp for the game winning TD. You know, Tim Couch did two things in completing that prayer. He kept his team alive and in the playoff hunt, and he also quieted the whispers of Kelly Holcombe’s name for a week or so. Many had mentioned that Couch would have probably been on a short dawg-leash this week and Butch Davis would have been willing to put in the back up without hesitation, and frankly, I wouldn’t blame him if he would have. Couch played terrible, and I can only imagine the words that Cleveland fans were coming up with to describe him.

Well, Couch survived all that, but he played anything but well in that game, and I think that the leash will not get longer just because Morgan hauled in that Hail Mary bomb.

By the way, “The Fred Taylor Injury Watch” is still going strong, and surprisingly, so is Taylor. He rushed for 145yds on only 23 carries, and seems to be running without a hint of past injuries. Is he healed? Is he back? Only time will tell.

Number 7

Arizona finally wins! Whew, that 6 game skid is finally over.

Does this mean it is time to celebrate in Arizona? Nope.

Does this mean the Cards still have a chance at the playoffs? Not unless “I Spy” wins an Oscar for best Drama.

Does this mean Jake Plummer’s job may be safe in Arizona? Ha! Not a chance. Who’s asking me these stupid questions?

Yes, Arizona did finally win, but we all have to realize that this win, in OT no less, came at the paws of the cowardly Lions and their beleaguered coach Marty “take two Aspirin and call me in the” Morninwheg, who probably refused to call anything for the coin-flip at the beginning of overtime.

Lions player - “Coach, what are we gonna call for the coin-flip?”

Coach Marty - “Tell the we’ll stay… I also like to live dangerously…”

If he doesn’t get fired after this season, then I am going to apply for a head-coaching job in the NFL, because if that cat can earn a paycheck for doing what he does, I know I can.

Number 6

Ok, somebody please answer me this. How can your opponent only gain 47yds of TOTAL FRIGGIN OFFENSE, and yet you STILL LOSE by 18 POINTS? How does that happen?

Honestly, that goes against every single conventional wisdom that has ever been expressed in the history of the NFL.

There is winning. There is ugly. There is even winning ugly. And then there is what Houston pulled off on Pittsburgh.

Uggh…

Now, if you recall, I did say that Maddux would fall back to the level of play that had him unable to hang on with an NFL team for a number of years. He would fall back to the level of play that had me dub him Tommy Maddu”XFL”. Of course, there is something to be said for the injury he was coming back from, but I again have to say that he when he went down, he wasn’t playing that well. Now what does he do? He tosses up two ducks for Aaron Glenn to take to the house and coughs one up for another Texans’ defensive touch.

Wow, Kordell’s play over the last couple weeks doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?

Number 5 - Awards Time

This week’s “Man of Steel” was hard to pick. There were many gutsy performances this past week, but one stood out from the rest. That was the one put forth by Jeff Garcia.

(And that’s not just because I like the 49ers either, so all you naysayers who chide me for not being objective enough can save the emails.)

Garcia willed the 49ers to a victory in their game against the Cowboys, and pulled a victory out of the fire when it appeared that any hope of home-field advantage was about to go up in smoke. Not bad for a guy who is too small, too weak and too bald to play QB in the NFL.

(Again, apologies going out to Ricky Williams, Rich Gannon and Terrell Owens.)

This week’s “Miss Tessmacher Award for Stupidity” goes to the Cincinnati Bengals. Why?

Because they suck. End of story.

(They will continue to win this award until they prove to me and the rest of the NFL that they have some balls – that aren’t made of yarn.)

Number 4

Brett Fav-ruh does it again. Pulls his squad together and leads them to a comeback victory over the horn-less Vikings at Lambeau.

For a while, I thought that I had put the kiss of death on the Packers, by saying in last week’s column that “nobody wins at Lambeau in December”. But luckily for the Pack (and for me, because I would have been getting emails about it) Fav-ruh has this flat out refusal to lose in December at Lambeau. It’s admirable. And I hope that the Niners don’t have to play there during the playoffs.

As for the Vikings. Stick a sword, or whatever the hell Vikings used as weapons, in them, because they are DONE. Pack it in boys (heh heh), fold up them tents and head for the draft. One positive for them is Michael Bennett. He struggled mightily last year, but this year he is having a very nice sophomore campaign. He has rushed for 1100yds already and has looked deadly fast in the open field. He may be the missing link the Vikings need…

...ummm, that and an NFL caliber defense would probably do it.

Number 3

Rich Gannon, I got two words for you…

“Get lost”

Get lost with your sick accuracy. Get lost with your insane yardage. Get lost with your 10 games over 300yds passing this season. Get lost with your ice-cold demeanor, rivaled only by a guy named Favre. Get lost with your slightly graying sideburns. Get lost with your Oakland Raiders who are streakier than week old unchanged tighty-whities. Get lost with your Dan Marino record-breaking season.

Just get lost, ok?

Man, this is friggin unreal. Dude is just on FIRE these days. 300yds in 10 of the last 12 games? Are you kidding? Man, get lost.

However, if Gannon does break Dapper Dan’s single season record, I must say that it is well deserved. Gannon has always been a stand up guy, one who never complained when he was getting slighted with other squads. He’s just a guy who quietly kills your team with pinpoint passes and timely scrambling. Its just too bad he’s about as exciting as volume “Q” of your encyclopedia set. He needs some flair, some style. He’s just too old school for my liking.

Lost in this shuffle is the San Diego Chargers, who got their behinds handed to them in this game. It was Oakland’s D, not their vaunted O, that beat down the Chargers in this game. It was truly impressive. This shows me that San Diego isn’t ready, at least not yet, to seriously contend for anything. They got slapped around in this game, and Drew Brees suddenly looked like a 2nd year QB, instead of the savvy vet he had been pretending to be.

Man that AFC West is one tough division!

Number 2

The game of the week was undoubtedly the Bucs / FalCorleones match up. Everyone wanted to see Vick go against that outstanding Bucs D, and you know what? That is about all we heard about this game? Bucs D vs. Vick. It was like there was nothing else important in this game.

I mean, what about Atlanta’s vastly improved D against the Bucs inconsistent offense?

What about Warrick Dunn’s return to Raymond James Stadium?

Obviously, those stories didn’t matter much. Nope, not with Super-Vick coming to play against Sapp, Brooks, Rice, Lynch and co.

Well, as we usually see, the side story outshines the main event. The Bucs offense tore up the FalCorleone’s D and Brad Johnson looked like a king (not Shaun King, A king) in tossing 4 touches. As for the main event, well, the Bucs D put an end to that story right away, corralling Super-Vick and not letting him get his mojo going on the ground. They made him look very Clark Kent like in holding him to only 15yds rushing.

The Bucs looked ready and disciplined in this game, and this does not bode well for the rest of the folk who have to play this Bucs team. Coach Gruden has this squad whipped into shape and looking like the class of the NFC.

Number 1

What a finish. What a gutsy, ballsy finish by those 49ers. That is the kind of play that is needed from this squad. They need to play with a sense of urgency, as though the season is on the line and their collective backs are against the wall.

That way, the only way to get things done is to come out swinging. And swinging hard.

Or in Garcia’s case, throwing. To Owens.

This Garcia-to-Owens thing has a nice ring to it, and I love to see it at its finest moments. Moments like that late 4th quarter game winning TD pass and catch against the Cowboys.

As for Owens’ one-handed catch earlier in the game? I’m not even going to talk about it. It was so good it was disgusting.

(You wonder why Mooch and the other Niners put up with Owens’ occasional tirades? Would you want to scorn this guy and then have to play against him?)

Although this was a good win, it came at the expense of a bad team, a bad team who squandered a 10pt 4th quarter lead. That is not a good thing for the Niners.

The slow starts will catch up to this squad. Sometime, things have to fall in line and run together. The only thing is, time is running out on this season.

But the good news is that the Niners are still in the hunt for home-field advantage.

Oh yeah, there’s that whole NFC WEST CHAMPIONS thing too…

Until Next Time…

Attention Top Ten readers and NHL fans! Zim will be fulfilling his Canadian Patriotic duty this weekend when he heads to Edmonton, Alberta to attend his FIRST NHL game! Oilers / Avalanche. If he doesn’t catch a stray puck in the head, look for him to sound off on that experience. Oh yeah, the Top Ten will be a day late too, because he will be spending his precious Sunday in a vehicle, on the highway returning home from Edmonton.

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