This edition of the Top Ten is brought to you LIVE from old Zimmy’s living room on Monday night, where I sit and watch the MNF game with the Wife beside me sitting, and looking genuinely enthusiastic.

(Sarcasm Alert! Sarcasm Alert!)

I am writing this edition of the Top Ten a little later than usual, as I am trying to tinker with my schedule, in order to bring you, my faithful readers, the best objectively written journalistic piece I can possibly assemble.

Ok… Ok… you busted me.

I had to get a haircut, so I couldn’t get going till later.

(Dare to guffaw at my choice of activities? Well, laugh if you must, but personal grooming is not something I take lightly, Heaven forbid I decline in such areas and end up looking like Jack Lambert or something… oohhh… the Wife shudders at the thought…)

As always, here we go with this week’s Top Ten!

Gambling Update: Zim vs. The Wife

My ticket:

CLE @ TEN – CLE to win

NO @ CHI – NO to win

SD @ ARZ – ARZ to win

CIN @ ATL – CIN to win

Potential Prize: $250.54

Recap: Ok, I really didn’t think that Cincy would win, but I had to take them for the sake of the odds. I had a good feeling about the Saints-Bears game, as well as the Browns-Titans game, but with the Browns winning by only 3pts (a tie in Sports Select), my ticket was garbage. It’s been three weeks, and I have yet to have a decent chance at winning, but my time will come.

The Wife’s ticket:

CAR @ MIN – MIN to win

CLE @ TEN – TEN to win

SD @ ARZ – SD to win

WSH @ SF – SF to win

Potential Prize: $16.52

Recap: The Wife did the same as I did this week, going 2-2, but her constant betting on Tennessee will prove beneficial for me in the long run I think (If you couldn’t tell, her favorite team is the Titans). I must commend her for picking the Niners, but she has yet to pick the teams with decent odds. Next week she promises to pick some long shots, but we will probably see another $20-30 potential prize ticket in this spot next week.

Number 10

Ok, will the real Tennessee Titans please come forth? Are you the tough, driven team who made a gutsy comeback against the Eagles? Or are you the soft, cream puff team that lost to the Cowboys and the Browns? Remember when Tennessee was the best team in the AFC? Remember the swagger they had? Remember how tough we thought Jeff Fisher and those Titans were?

Yeah… I bet Fisher and Titans wish they could remember that too…

The Titans are a push-over these days, and if they dont get things together soon, heads will roll in Tennessee.

Let me tell you potential fantasy gurus out there something as well, as I have learned this the hard way this season. Eddie George is NOT a valuable fantasy back. Sure he gets 1,000 yds, sure he scores 6-8 TDs, those alone may make him marginally valuable in many fantasy circles, but for my money, any back that only gains an average of 2.9 yards per carry, is not worth a high round fantasy pick.

As for Cleveland, I am really not sure what to make of this team. They really have me fooled. One minute I think that they are as strong as any team in the AFC, and then the next I think that they are destined to be a 7-9 team mired in the middle of mediocrity. Time will tell, I guess, but I still find it funny that I have yet to get a good read on this team.

Number 9

The Titans are not the only team with a bit of an identity crisis so far this year, in fact, I have to pose a similar question to the Dallas Cowboys this week, as they were absolutely destroyed by the Eagles this past Sunday 44-7. Which Dallas team is going to show up from week to week Coach Campo? Oh, I’m sorry, maybe I should have directed that question to the person who runs things on Sundays? Mr. Jones? Care to comment on that?

Dallas looked so bad on Sunday that I almost felt bad for Jerry Jones…

Umm… wait a minute… no I didn’t. I wouldn’t feel bad for Jones even if his face fell off… oh wait… too late I guess.

The one person I do feel bad for is Emmitt Smith. I feel bad for him, and I feel bad for his fans. Its one thing to be the best player on a very bad team, but its completely another to be a legendary, aging star to whom the team owes almost all of its past success… still playing on a very bad team.

I wish Emmitt would have hung ‘em up, I really do.

Number 8

Well, there is life in Detroit after all! The Lions showed flashes of decency in their game against the Packers on Sunday, and I honestly think that this game, albeit a loss, truly saved Marty Morninafter’s job… for now.

If there was one thing obvious during this game, it was the difference between the two quarterbacks. It is glaringly obvious that Brett Favre is where Joey Harrington wants to be.

(However, I must admit here that I am impressed that Marty Morninsickness has decided to give Harrington the reins and let him get some playing time, even if it is at the expense of the season.)

Meanwhile, Favre had another trademark marvelous game, which we have become accustomed to over his glorious career, and Harrington looked like a confident, yet slightly overwhelmed rookie.

Ok, I have never been one to praise unworthy athletic achievements, but I have to commend Brett Favre on his not missing a Green Bay start in 10 years.

10 FREAKIN YEARS! That is amazing!

Have any of you out there not missed a single day of work in 10 years? Well, I am sure that all of us have missed more than one day in 10 years, but imagine being a QB in the NFL, with all the beatings they take, and not missing a day of work in the past decade.

Astounding… truly astounding…

Congrats Brett.

Number 7

Looking for the ugly game of the week? Well, look no further than the Giants win over the dreadfully awful Seahawks, 9-6. Yuck. Is it just me, or are the Giants involved in more of these stinker than any other team? Coach “Chips in the middle of the table” Fassel needs to figure out how to get his team into the endzone more, if they want to contend for that NFC East crown, or at least a wildcard.

A positive for the G-men here is that they got another key win, and also the fact that Kerry Collins is still looking very good. I ask again this week, “What have you New Yorkers done with the real Kerry Collins?”

Number 6

I think that Buffalo is the best 1-2 team I have ever seen. Drew Bledsoe is looking like the old confident Drew, and if there was ever a poster boy for the benefits of a change in scenery, it’s him. Buffalo lost to a very good Denver team on Sunday, and I think that if only the Bills’ defense could have stopped the run with consistency, they would have had a better chance to win.

I think another reason for Bledsoe’s rejuvenation is the fact that Peerless Price has stepped up and formed one of the best young receiver duos in the NFL. I have always known the Moulds is a stud, but Price (until this season) hadn’t really played up to his lofty potential. Now that Price is playing like a ProBowler, Moulds has to be loving life, because he finally has some room to run.

Now, to give Denver their due respect, I have to admit that maybe, just maybe this QB controversy is behind them. They look strong right now, but their defense is definitely suspect, as I think that if Bledsoe would have had more support from the Bills D, or if the Bills had recovered the on-side kick, he may have pulled out a win. If there is one undeniable truth in the NFL, it’s that winning cures (or postpones) all that ails you. I mean, of course there is no QB controversy in Denver, with them winning games, why would there be? But wait until Griese puts out a sub par performance, or wait until the Broncos lose a couple games, and then see how many times we hear Steve Beurelein’s name whispered.

Number 5: Awards Time

Ok, has anyone else noticed that there have been HUGE stats each week? There have been 3-400yd passers this year already, and we have seen 5-150yd rushers as well. Although this may be causing the defensive gurus out there a little crazy, it has guys like me loving the NFL even more these days.

This week’s winner of “The Man of Steel Award” is a tie, and they both come from the same team. Tom Brady threw for 410yds and 4TDs on Sunday in an OT win over the Chiefs, and Troy Brown hauled in 16 of Brady’s passes for a whopping 176yds. Those performances alone are impressive, but together, they are even more spectacular.

This week’s winner of “The Miss Tessmacher Award for Stupidity” goes to Daunte Culpepper. It didn’t seem too long ago that we were all calling Culpepper a QB who would be the model by which a lot of future QBs would be molded.

My how things have changed.

Culpepper looked brutal in that terrible Vikings loss to the Panthers on Sunday, and his tirade on the sidelines earns him the dubious honor of stupidest player in the NFL for this week. Things are bad in Viking-land right now, and I couldn’t be happier.

Number 4

I loved how panic-stricken the NFL was this past week, didn’t you? The mighty Rams were 0-2 going into MNF, and the NFL prognosticators were suddenly looking like dummies again. What if the mighty Rams started the season 0-3? Would the fire and brimstone start falling from the sky?

From some of the columns out there, you might think it would.

Well, what better stage for a struggling team than MNF? Johnny Madden could rip apart your team; expose your weaknesses better than any other color man, and the huge audience could really see what kind of team you are.

And that is exactly what happened.

The Rams were beaten, bruised and embarrassed on MNF, and I couldn’t be happier. I mean, did any of you see that smug look on Martz’s face during the game? It was like he was thinking…

“Yeah, I know my QB is out there getting killed behind that horrible offensive line, and I realize that my star RB is on the sidelines with a neck injury… but how about our team speed? Talk about Max-Q!”

On the Rams’ first drive, they looked as confident as they ever have, as they promptly marched down the field and scored after the Bucs had opened with a FG. But then, the Bucs started coming… And coming… And coming some more…

They beat up Warner to the tune of 5 sacks and something like 18 knockdowns! This pressure clearly did not sit well with Warner, as he was tossing up more lame ducks than level 1 on Nintendo’s old “Duck Hunt” game. I honestly wanted to get out that old, orange plastic gun and start firing away at the screen. Warner coughed up the ball 3 or 4 times (some of the incomplete passes, others fumbles), he threw 4 INTs (shame, shame on the highest rated QB of all-time) and he damn near threw 4 other picks. Can you imagine the scene if Warner would have tossed up 7 or 8 picks on MNF?

On the flip side of this game, I have to say that there are few teams who play the Rams better than the Bucs (other than the Giants). The pass rush they put forth on Monday was superb, and I think that Warner will be just a little sore this morning (Can you say A5-35?). The Bucs’ D looked great all night long, swarming around the Rams’ O with reckless abandon, and the Rams really looked lost, scared even.

Gruden had them wound up like nothing I have ever seen, and I think Gruden was just as wound up. Much has been made of his facial expressions, but I think that the more important topic is when Gruden’s head is going to up and explode. I honestly think it will sometimes… he scares me…

The Bucs still look to be feeling out that Gruden offense, and I think that they are a couple weeks away from being a dangerous offensive team. The only thing is if they lose a couple more games, will their season be lost by then?

Number 3

Mike Vick is awesome to watch, isn’t he? Vick is the Falcons’ version of Donovan McNabb, a player who does virtually everything for his offense. Or is McNabb the Eagles’ version of Vick? No matter, both guys are money, and really are a load of fun to watch.

Vick led the Falcons to their first win of the season over that brutal Cincy team, and I think that Cincinnati has really hit an all time low. How bad are things in Cincy? Well, they are going to start their 3rd string QB next week, a guy who played so bad in the past, that he was almost out of the league (his bloated contract was the only thing keeping him on the roster). Good luck Akili Smith, you are definitely going to need it.

A side note here regarding Mike Vick. Does he not strike an uncanny resemblance to “Kenny” from the Cosby Show? You know who I’m talking about, don’t you? He was the little kid who was Rudy’s friend, who had the old-fashioned views on women that his older brother used to tell him. Hit the net and check it out, you’ll agree with me.

Number 2

Ok, is this Miami team for real, or what? I have had to put up with my father’s gloating all season long, and he is really trying to convince me that this Miami team is capable of a SuperBowl run.

You know what? They very well may be. And yes, it pains me to say that.

Miami is another team I cant really get a good read on just yet, and not because I am not sure about numerous pieces of their team. Nope, I am only unsure about one facet of their game, and that is the QB position. I can’t force myself to put any faith in Jay Fiedler, no matter how many “intangibles” he has, or how “efficient” he is. I still hold true to the fact that you cannot win with a QB that is not one of your best players (that Baltimore team was an aberration). Fiedler is riding high right now, but I cant help feeling that he is going to start making mistakes, and his start is going to come stumbling back to earth. The bottom line here is, the Miami Dolphins will not win a SuperBowl with jay Fiedler as their quarterback.

I will defend that statement to the bitter end.

To keep with the change of scenery theme, I have to admit that Ricky Williams (by the way, why Ricky? Why not Rick, or Dick?) is looking very strong thus far, and he is running like a guy with something to prove. I think that when a guy gets that mind-set and goes out there with a vengeance every week, it spells trouble for his opponents, and it means good things for his team. Keep on truckin’ Ricky, your team is going to need you when Fiedler starts screwin’ up.

Number 1

Well, well…

The Niners defeated the Skins on Sunday, and looked really bad in doing so. Are we seeing a trend here? Both of the Niners’ wins have come in ugly fashion, games where the offense could not get things going at all.

You know what? That’s just fine by me…

Let the defense carry things for a while, its been the other way around for so long, I think it is refreshing to see the defense stepping up and winning games for the Niners. Don’t be a fool now, the offense will get going, and this team is going to be deadly when it does. The running game is hopping right now, even though the O-line is a little banged up, the passing game on the other hand, is not pulling its weight. This past game, we can blame that weird stomach virus for the lack of production, but I was impressed with the more aggressive play calling.

Things are coming together, slowly…

If any of you are foolish enough to scoff at my mentioning the stomach virus as a cause for the lack of production from the passing game, take a minute to consider how you would be able to function sitting at your desk in your air conditioned office, doing your low impact job, while having to puke and crap numerous times. How effective would you be?

Now try to imagine playing professional football with those same symptoms. Doesn’t seem so easy now does it? Imagine having to get liquid into your system intravenously on your lunch break, just so you could get back in there and get that spreadsheet modified. Using the virus as a reason for the poor play doesn’t seem so far-fetched now does it?

There are a lot of things I love about the NFL, and I think I am going to add, “Watching Steve Spurrier lose” to my ever-growing list. He and Mike Martz are in my “Smug Hall of Infamy”, and seeing those two cats get beat down this weekend gave me great pleasure.

What happened to that “Fun n Gun” offense? I thought it was supposed to revolutionize the NFL, as we know it? Well, Fun n Gun is now looking more like Run INT Punt these days, don’t you think? I said recently that Shane Matthews hadn’t succeeded with other NFL teams in the past for a reason, and now we know why… because he sucks. A system does not make the QB work, in my opinion, a QB will make your system work. Now in the case of the Redskins, neither is working. Good luck Coach Visor, we’ll see you on draft day, at about #4 or so…

Until Next Time…