Welcome one and all! Welcome ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, children of all ages! Welcome to the Three Ring Circus that is my brain.

Again, as I have always said…

It IS as much fun as it sounds…

Gambling Udate: Zim vs. The Wife

My Ticket:

ATL @ NO – ATL to win

PIT @ BAL – BAL to win

SEA @ DAL – SEA to win

NYG @ PHI – NYG to win

Potential Prize: $399.60

Recap: Well, another week, another 2 dollars wasted. Cripes! I asked for some help in last week’s column and the only advice I got was people telling me to give it up cause I suck. Ok, point taken. In fact, point well taken. I do suck, but as they always say, “it’s always darkest before the dawn”. It was either that or they say, “you know you have a gambling problem when…”

Ummm… never mind.

(Again, any advice is truly welcomed. Email me at superzim@sk.sympatico.ca. I do have to mention that one of my editors gave me some good advice last week, and I am thankful for that. But I need all the help I can get.)

The Wife’s Ticket:

OAK @ KC – KC to win

CIN @ TEN – CIN to win

ARZ @ SF – SF to win

DEN @ NE – DEN to win

Potential Prize: $110.88

Recap: Again The Wife dared to tempt the football Gods, and again he blatant disregard for their wrath costs her 2 bucks. She did go 3 for 4 this week, but when she bet against her favorite team (the Titans… I know, I’m not sure how that info slipped by me before I asked her to marry me…) her ticket was as doomed as a nameless extra in the landing party on any episode of Star Trek. Better luck next week babe.

Onto the Top Ten!

Number 10

Do any of you, my dozen or so faithful readers, happen to know the definition of “funk”?

Well, I sure do. (And it aint got nothin to do with George Clinton…)

Funk is what the world champion Patriots are in. They are in a full out, lady luck turning her back on you, never get a bounce your way, fumblin, bumblin, stumblin FUNK.

(Actually, I am going to have to consult Clinton to make sure those aren’t any of his lyrics)

The Pats are sucking right now, and I bet every pessimistic Pats fan in Beantown is longing for the days of Bledsoe. Well, take it easy Pats fans, because it is not Brady’s fault you all are in this funk. You can blame the newly anointed football genius Bill Belicheck for that. It has become apparent that he has done more than a little tinkering with his systems since the SuperBowl. He has all but abandoned the run for the pass, and the Pats are really suffering because of it. The Pats have gone away from the physical style they had so much success with, and adopted a finesse style of play that has thrown their players for a loop.

Coach Belly has got to get his team back to the way they played last season. He has to get his guys to smack the other team in the mouth and push them up and down the field as they have.

Otherwise it is going to be a long season for the Pats.

Number 9

Ok, what in the name of “shiver me timbers” is up with the Tampa Bay Bucs? Before I go off on this subject, let me get my facts straight.

The Bucs couldn’t score points last season. So to alleviate that, they fired the defensive minded Tony Dungy. They sent him and his conservative schemes packing for Indy. Then they paid a king’s ransom for the offensive guru and master motivator (not to mention face maker) Jon Gruden. They brought in Gruden to install his grand offensive schemes to score points in bunches as his Oakland teams did.

Sound right?

Well, what the hell is going on? 12-9? Are you bleeping kidding me? What happened to scoring points in bunches? What happened to scoring?

Jeezus, it must be something in the water down there in Tampa… I just don’t get it.

Number 8

Ok, I have to say a couple of things here.

I am not one to complain much (Hey! No snickering in the back of the class! I heard that!), but I have to mention a couple things that are bugging me in the NFL these days.

First off, I hate those new-age helmets. They are the ugliest thing to come into the NFL since Peyton Manning’s hair-do arrived. I mean, they are terribly ugly, aren’t they? The way it comes down lower on the chin and all have that choppy square looking facemask is just repulsive to look at. If I wanted to see helmets like that, I’d tune into “American Gladiators” or “Amateur Boxing Night on ESPN76”.

Next on my agenda?

I hate it when QBs undo their chinstrap after and between every play. No particular reason here, it just bugs me, ok? I mean, why bother? Is your helmet too tight or something? If it is, get one of your equipment people on it already. Why would you want to take off your chinstrap? It looks stupid when you do it, so just quit it already, and make things easier on those fans who think about these things. I will say this right now: I will never cheer for a team who’s QB is one of those chinstrap undoers.

Does that sound as stupid as it reads? Oh well.

(For the record, I think the guy who started it all was Jeff George, and I hate him more than most QBs, so I guess it has all just festered from there. Then again, it might have been Mr. Istotoner as well. By the way, Mr. Isotoner is none other than Dapper Dan Marino.)

Number 7 - Living up to my end of the bargain...

Ok, two weekends ago, I made a bet with a friend of mine on the Oakland / San Diego game. I told him that if Oakland did not win, I would praise him in this world-renown column and pay him 5 Canadian Dollars.

(When I made the bet, it was originally only for 5 bucks, but my buddy is one of those dozen readers of mine, so he was very adamant about the fact that I give him his due respect in this little corner of cyberspace. I know, he’s a weird guy.)

Anyway, I figured that after losing to St. Louis, the Raiders were allowed to take a mulligan for that one and then get back on track. Well, I was wrong.

And now I have to pay the piper.

In defense of my superior football wisdom, I have to make a case for my silly bet on the Raiders that night. Bottom line, I was shoulder-deep in Bacardi White Rum and Sprite cocktails by the time the bet was forged, so I was at a clear disadvantage. Well, having said that, I also must admit that I should have known better than to make a bet with a guy who’s nickname is Boo.

Congrats Boo, you got the better of me this time. But for our next bet, I will be the one drinking water as you swim in a pool of Bacardi. Ok?

Number 6

Nicely done Emmitt Smith. Congrats on becoming the All-Time Rushing yardage leader in the NFL. Surpassing Sweetness is no small feat, and I commend you on your achievement.

Now much will be made of where Emmitt belongs in the pantheon of great RBs in NFL lore, but I will try to stay away from that subject. This because I have always been one to NOT follow the mindless herd and comment on the same old stories as everyone else, you know, like those nobodies like Peter King and Len Pasquerilli.

I will say this. Emmitt is among the greatest RBs off all time, no question. But he is not the most dominant back ever, that was Jim Brown. Nor is he the toughest back ever, that was Sweetness. He is not the quickest ever, that was Barry Sanders. He isn’t the fastest ever, that was OJ. He is not the smartest ever, that was Eric “Never met a sideline I didn’t like” Dickerson. He is not the greatest multi-facet back, that is Marshall Faulk.

But does that take anything away from him? No. Not in the least.

What Emmitt Smith embodies is the most consistent back of all time, and to be quite honest, Emmitt has a bit of all those things I mentioned, and that’s not too bad at all.

Number 5 - Awards Time

This week’s winner of the “Zim’s Top Ten Man of Steel” is the aforementioned Emmitt Smith. To break one of the most prestigious of all NFL awards is something I am grateful to have seen in my lifetime. So Emmitt deserves this spot this week. Nothin else to say…

This week’s winner of the “Miss Tessmacher Award for Stupidity” is… the entire Cincinnati Bengals organization. That’s right, the players, coaches, trainers, doctors, office staff, management, mail room clerks, Boomer Esiason, scouting team, ownership and yes, even the fan base.

This team is so bad I am actually glad to be seeing it. I mean, I don’t think that we will ever see such ineptitude in the future, not with the parity we see in the league these days.

Why did I mention the fans? Well, they are included because they have yet to stage a full out boycott of this pitiful squad to have the entire coaching staff and management FIRED. Band together Bengals fans, tie yourselves to the goal posts with tiger striped rope and demand that things change in your town.

Solidarity!

Number 4

- Congrats Houston for getting a good road win in Jax this week. Other teams should take note of the heart and desire you guys play with. Nice work.

- Is it just me or does Jeremy Shockey always look like he just went 12 rounds with Rocky Balboa? It’s either that, or he doesn’t get enough sleep. His eyes are so puffy it’s distracting.

- Tim Couch really has those Browns rolling, doesn’t he? Has anyone seen or heard those boo-birds lately? Yeah, me either. I look forward to when Holcomb gets healthy to see how the fans react to him then.

- What a stinker that MNF game was huh? Man, that game was soo boring; I think it was sponsored by D-Snor. Man, you know an MNF game is bad when Madden and Michaels start talking about horses or the year 1974 as opposed to the game going on below them.

- That hit Brian Dawkins put on Ike Hilliard on MNF was really ugly looking. I am surprised both men walked away from it. Hilliard got the worst of it though with a dislocated shoulder but I think it could have been much worse.

- Does anyone actually know if fans are really chanting “DUUUUUUUCE!” or “MOOOOOOOOSE!”? Could they actually be booing? Someone look into this for me.

Number 3

With all the love that Zim’s Top Ten has been showing to one Drew Bledsoe as of late, and believe me it is well deserved, I have to admit that I have been overlooking a guy who is on pace to throw for more yards than Bledsoe and break Dapper Dan’s record so far this season.

That guy is none other than Rich “Loose” Gannon.

Does anyone realize that this cat is on pace to throw for 5449yds this year? Does anyone realize that in his last 5 games, Gannon has chucked for 334,361,332,357 and 381yds respectively?

I honestly don’t remember the last time a player threw for over 330+ yds in 5 consecutive games, do you? That is truly impressive.

As equally as impressive is the Raiders record in that stretch… umm… wait… hold on here…

Never mind.

Keep it up Gannon, and you will have a monster year, but I cant help thinking that as the season draws on, that 37yr old arm is going to lost some of its steam. But I guess only time will tell.

Number 2

Vick vs. Brooks: Episode 1

What a game this was, hey folks? This one was by far the most entertaining game of the weekend. Brooks and Vick went head to head for 60 minutes, and it pretty much took all 60 of em to get it done, with the game being won by Jay “Touchy” Feely in the waning seconds; 37-35 Falcons.

Ok, Mike Vick is un-frickin-believable, isn’t he? It’s just not fair for the rest of the league to have to try to contain this guy. I mean, what QB runs a 4.2? What QB who runs a 4.2 can throw the ball (on the run) with the velocity that Vick does?

You all thought Money McNabb or Dante Culpepper are the prototype of the new-age QB? Not a bloody chance. Look no further than Vick to see what the future of NFL QBs looks like. Now just think, if he gets a decent O-line in front of him, one more threat at WR and even a mediocre defense, this Atlanta team could be, as Mr. Deeds would put it, “wicked good”.

Number 1

The good news? The Niners won another key divisional game and are at 5-2 atop the NFCW.

The bad news? The Niners gave up 28 points to the normally woeful Cards, 21 of which came in the 2nd half.

The good news? Jeff Garcia looked pro-bowl good in throwing 4TDs.

The bad news? The Niners D gave up 418yds of total offense to the normally woeful Cards.

The good news? The Niners picked off Jake Plummer three times and made him fumble once for a total of 4 turnovers.

The bad news? The Niners allowed the Cards to convert 9 of 12 3rd down chances and 1 of 1 4th down chances.

Ok, here is where I am going to get off this good news / bad news format.

9/12 3rd downs? Are you kidding me? In the past three games, this has been the Niners Achilles heel, or Dilfer heel, I guess. I would be willing to wager that if a team trotted out a higschool marching band to run their 3rd down plays against the Niners D, they would still be able to convert!

What is the problem on 3rd down people? The defense is stellar on 1st and 2nd down, but when 3rd down comes up, its like the boys on D say… “Whoa, back up here fellas, let’s just try to keep them in front of us and NOT give up the big play.”

Why in the name of Kevin Fagan would you NOT keep that same aggressive style on 3rd down? 3rd down is when you take the opportunity to really bury a team, you can snuff out their drives and demoralize a squad, and that is what has to happen from now on and ESPECIALLY next week. Conversely, when you allow a team to convert time after time on 3rd down, it is THAT team who gets momentum and who starts to get that hop in their step.

And if there is anything I hate (other than those new-look helmets and QBs who constantly undo their chin-straps) it is a Raider or Raiders Fan with a hop in their step…

Until Next Time…